I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type

Maybe its just me. That wouldn't be hard to believe. The days aren't easy anymore. I should have known this wasn't real. You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe. I know I've got to get away for "the world is not yours for the taking". It seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth how did I get here, what did I do? Your eyes tell me lies but they make me find myself. Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain and no matter where I go its always pouring all the same and I was crying alone tonight and I was wasting all of my time thinking about you. Makes me wish I was never brought into this place. And its days like these when all you can do is write and try to get it all out, but it never seems to work as much as used too.
I'll add more later.
♥

dance of life

"Let me tell you a story to chill the bones out a thing that I saw...; not aware of a presence so near to me watching my every move..."


Last night was the best night of my life. One that I never would have thought to ever happen. It's like literally living in your dream, except for you feel it all a lot more and its not like wishing for it or wishing on some birthday candles its like wishing on falling star and next thing you know its reality. Its so unbelievable, still. Imagine someone that has a smile that you feel could save the world, a hug that puts you in a coma, a hug that's like one in a movie or a love story where you cannot see anything else around you and like you're deaf you cant hear all the chaos and noise going on around, being in that persons presence makes you feel like the only one around that you really matter and even if its only for a minute you feel like you've been in their arms for an hour, a feeling that I've never felt before and then afterwards you break because it was like you were holding your breath for the time trying to figure out when you were going to wake up and then he says your name and you gasp for I never thought my name would come out of his mouth. Those eyes, that smile, his arms...I was in them. Its so surreal and I still don't know how to believe it. It really was a dream come true, and I am never the lucky kind. He would be Alex Skolnick.

I don't know if they all realize how much of an impact they put on some peoples lives but definitely mine he has made a huge impact on. I look up to him, hes my idol, hes my...God. I believe in him, worship the ground he walks on, he is amazing and amazing is and understatement. He is just as wonderful in person as he seems to be, hes smart, which nothing is more attractive than intelligence. He's very musically talented, obviously being in three bands. He writes incredibly. Hes the kind of man that you make up in your mind for being the perfect and dream man the one that really doesn't exist, but this one does, he does and hes my dream man and I got to see him face to face, he touched me, he knows my name. That doesn't just happen, it does but in dreams and I just had a dream come true and that means more than the world to me.

"Turn Around
Turn Around and fix your eye in my direction
So there is a connection
I can't speak
I can't make a sound to somehow capture your attention
I'm staring at perfection
take a look at me so you can see
how beautiful you are

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

I'm confident
but I can't pretend I wasn't terrified to meet you
I knew you could see right through me
I saw my life flash right before my very eyes
and I knew just what we'd turn into
I was hoping that you could see
take a look at me so you can see

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

take a look at me so you can see
how beautiful you are
x4

your beauty seems so far away
I'd have to write a thousand songs to make you comprehend how beautiful you are

i know that I can't make you stay
but I would give my final breathe to make you understand how beautiful you are
understand how beautiful you are

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
you call me a stranger"

This song describes it perfectly! Stranger by Secondhand Serenade♥

♥

Worse than you could imagine.

Today is proof that if I died today no one would even care. No one would remember me, or be worried about it. It would affect no one. I have been hurt lately like you wouldn't believe. A bullet through my head would feel a lot better than what I am feeling right now. I don't even think I could begin to you how I feel. Today was such a terrible day. I can't even believe it. I feel like I was missing something...I don't know what to think. All i know is that I really don't want to go on...
ugh I can't think right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. You won't even notice...

this is all i need

Today has been quite the day. Wake in tears end the day in tears. I've put myself through more than I should and I don't even care. There are only about 3-4 songs in the entire world to make me cry on key and I've heard three of them today makes me want to listen to the other one on purpose just so I can get it all out. Its like I've been feeling and knowing that I was going to have this breakdown sooner or later it was just a matter of holding it in until I was ready to let it out, although that would be never but it begged to differ.

I don't know what else to write for once, my mind is blank and I'm not sure what to do or what to think...
♥

Dont worry about it

I am getting so sick of everyone around, no one seems to care I'm just so far gone and nothings going to change.
If you say you're going to do something then do it! there is no excuse! None at all, I am so sick of the lying the disappointments and most of all the stupid shit excuses. Excuse me...if you say you're going to do something then don't do you think I want to hear an excuse? no an I'm sorry would be just fine, although it won't justify but still ya know...and after more than three times you say you're going to do something and don't then I start losing faith, a lot of it and trust along with it. I get hopes up, you should be one of the last fucking people to break that lose but look at whats already happening. There is no excuse why you should be 2 1/2 hours late to make a simple phone call, seriously...you can't call me on the way home? like you said! I'm sorry is that too much to fucking ask you've been too busy for me at all this week you tell me that you'll call after class at 930 and oh look its practically midnight and I'm still waiting! Its fucking ridiculous. There is no excuse for it, at all...have I not warned everyone? because I swear I did...if you screw up with me or piss me off you can't go back I will make you feel like shit and make you want to be six feet under. I apparently don't make myself clear when I say don't mess with me because I promise you the outcome will not be pretty. I don't mess around when it comes to shit like that, if you "care" you wouldn't have to have an excuse every single fucking day and frankly I am quite sick of hearing all of them and its pretty funny that I can already know what excuse you're going to come up with and its never severe enough where you can't call and take two minutes to tell me that...sorry I thought I would be worth more than that to you. No wonder I am so down on myself, no one can prove anything to me you can tell me all you fucking want but if I am so fucking great then why is a different day same excuse? or ya know you can't even come through for me! I just don't know what to do at this point, I'm losing all faith and hope granted its been a hard fucking week when you can't make time for me and then plan your weekend without me too? what the fuck? And you know what its not so much paranoia anymore its more of I already know whats going to happen I already know! but my paranoia is a way thats like already warning me or something of disappointment to come. How can you be so full of yourself when everyone around you right and left is hurting you weather they "mean" it or not. It happens, doesn't it? I mean if you can already predict what I am going to say or how I'm feeling is it worth going through? You ask if you disappointed me am I really going to say that to you? no, but do I want too? very much so...cause you did and you do more than you realize. I always ask did you forget about me, again and key word is again because it seems to happen a lot but you claim and stick with the answer "no i did not forget about you" bullshit. If I could ever hold it in long enough and not let my anger out and text you I bet you wouldn't even fucking call! but I'm nice enough where I am not going to bug you during the day if you're so "busy" oh and how about when you get a break or something you'll text me....yea I don't hold my breath for that one at all!! I never expect it, I hope...I'll admit it I hope that you will actually surprise me but deep down I just fucking know and thats what hurts. It hurts knowing that the person telling you that you're so down on yourself and its hard for them is letting you down and making you at this point be down on yourself because you can't seem to find any other way at the moment. Where else am I supposed to look too? I just don't get it...you seem to have an excuse for everything! and its just already gotten old and I'm not sure that I can go too much longer like this unless something is done about it. You stress me out already and I do not need that right now. I'm just sick of it all! You claim in the beginning that you make time for people, so when are you going to make time for me? Yeah, thats what I thought...you're too busy for me but not for school then work then oh hang out with the boys, which is fine whatever I'm not going to tell you you can't hang out with them but when it means neglecting me thats just totally different. You'd think that on a two min break you could text me or call and say hi, or at least do what you say you're going too but already I'm losing faith in this so called relationship that I thought I was ready for but I don't think so because I can't have someone else again not have time for me, its ridiculous. Just more and more everyday. Oh and you also have time to get online for a min. too but you don't "forget about me" I think you clearly do. If I can't rely on you now what makes it seem like I ever will be able too? You're already starting to make me wonder...I see you found people on "are you interested" thats real nice for me to see...thats what you get online for?...what are you already shopping for someone else. I told you not to waste your time on me but you insisted so now what? prove to me that I mean something...cause right now I feel like nothing and it hurts. My frustration is building and I bottle it up all inside until something breaks me but who knows what or when that will happen but I predict it to be sooner than planned until then I don't know what to do, I don't even want to answer when you call but I do anyway, why? because at least I missed you but your lies are eating at me. I'm just so ugh right now! The only thing that keeps my mind of it is sleeping until I wake up and see what time it is and cry myself back to sleep...I hate this.
♥

the longest four years of our lives.

"I'd rather die than give you control" that is to you straight up...you're not my president and you never will be...
I had to write that down before I forgot.
♥
p.s. is it 2012 yet?

R.i.P. USA

I've had a lot of time to think lately and you know the more I think the more disappointed I get. It goes from my head hanging to being cradled in my arms. Its like where and what happened and how did we let everything get like this? Now, say what you want to say but you'll be sorry when you're swimming in poverty, when you can't pay for anything what so ever, when everything is literally falling apart around you, you have nothing to rely on, when Iraq is doing a hell of a lot better than you, when you're just suffering and guess what? thats your fault because you wanted "change" so there have a nice life with you and your fucking change and rest in peace the united states of fucking America. I honestly don't know what to do its all a big load of fucking bullshit and for what to have a black president? fuck that....the white house is no longer white now its been shit on and so is the rest of this nation and its just going to be terrible. I don't want to be here when it happens when its 2009 I want to be the furthest away I can get saying I told you so. Proof reason 23939 there is no God because he wouldn't allow this...hell would be better than this fucking country when January rolls around. Now, I've avoided talking to anyone about this because you're all just fucking brainwashed and I don't want to hear your nonsense so I keep this all to myself which kind of just makes it worse, I'm already stressed out as it is and now all of this I have to worry about the screwed up country I am going to be living in now which is ridiculous.

Anyway, enough about all of that load of shit. I don't even know what else to say. I'm too tired to think....so maybe that means I'll just go to bed. I have to get up at like 830 ugh...goodnight.

When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead
When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead

Feeling as though you never belong

So, I've decided its time for a change, and now that I've started to change I've decided it needs to be more of a drastic one than a no one will really notice, change, you know? I mean if you're going to change why not change everything about yourself. Now for the crazy people who don't think I need to change, might need to come to the psych ward with me but for everyone else I'm sure you can see that I need to change a lot. I've decided to stop making an effort, if you're going to lie to me then thats your problem because you will lose me very quickly no matter who you are! Why lie about something stupid anyway, if I ask you to go somewhere and you don't want to go why is it so hard to just say no thanks or I don't feel like it, I don't have any money or just plain no. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, if it does I'll get over it a lot faster than lying and me finding out its just rude but whatever, enough about that. You'll be the one thats sorry because I don't take shit from people. I mean I have in the past I know, but we all make mistakes right? Well thats one of the new things, I don't care who you are I'll let you know its bothering me and weather you decide to listen or not is your prerogative.

I don't know what else to write, but lyrics keep enthralling me and I love them they have so much meaning. For some reason I've lost everything I was going to say, I had it right there then I waited too long and now I have no idea what I was going to say, dammit. I keep listening to the same songs over and over though and not just because I really like them but, because the words really mean something their not just there to say it but to have some meaning. I don't know how to explain it but its not just how someone sings it but its how you can relate to it. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without them...weird I know but everyone has such a different view on things going on around us so its interesting to see how they explain and see it. I don't know. I'm done though this was kind of dumb post but you'll get over it. Later.
♥

i lost my own battle.

I'm hurt. You're supposed to be my friends, you're supposed to be there for me, you're supposed to care, you're supposed to be my life. I'm starting to think that I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I'm not quite sure why I can't quit! I know not to trust, I know not to rely, I know not to get my hopes up or believe or have faith because every single time, theres not one time it hasn't happened, I get left out. I get hurt, I get kicked the curb, I get talked about, I get bitched at, I get meaningless, I get rejected, pushed away and replaced. So, please tell me what a better feeling that all of that in a blender would be? Right, nothing because you've got it all right there. I'm supposed to be able to talk to you about anything! but I just can't seem to find any words to speak to you right now. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to put forth the effort anymore. I am sick of being the only one doing so. If you want to ignore me, have fucking at it. If you want to hang out with your new friends, good for fucking you, don't call me anymore. If you need a favor, too fucking bad no more chances are left for anyone I am shutting the door and dead bolting it, throwing away the key and staying in there by myself. You might as well just let me go, even if you were to "try" its not going to be good enough for me. nothing is, nothing at all could make me want or to forgive. I'm not forgiving or forgetting this time, should have thought things through in the first place before you just lost me. but who's loss is it really?

We're all just fake

Well its kind of been a while but theres not a whole lot to blabber about, although I'm sure I could find something. Actually today I was going on about guys. Nothing you do is ever good enough. I mean think about it..."If you dress nicely he thinks you're a snob. If you dress sexy he thinks you're a slut. If you argue with him he thinks you're stubborn. If you're quiet he thinks you don't care. if you call he thinks you're needy and clingy. If he calls you he thinks you should be great full. If you don't love him he'll try to win you over. If you do love him, he'll leave you. If you don't fuck him he'll say you're a tease, if you do he'll say you're easy. If you tell him your problems he'll say you're irritating. If you don't he'll say you don't trust him. If you lecture him he'll say you're bitchy, if he lectures you its only because he "cares." If you break a promise you can't be trusted, if he breaks it he had too. If you cheat, he'll expect it to be over. if he does he expects to be given another chance." Isn't the truth? Their all the same, every single last one of them. Even if they start to show they might be different you'll find something that you always get in every relationship and its just something we're attracted to in one person that we always find. Its like a placebo that we always find but we like it yet we hate it so why do we always go back? I don't understand it as much as the next person but I've started to believe that maybe love just doesn't exist. You can't find something steady enough to keep you going. I can't, I can't find something long enough to make it last.

All they do is hurt you. But who's fault is that? Is it ours or theirs? Do we let them or do we just tell ourselves they did it on their own? We pretty much give ourselves away, we put ourselves out there to be hurt hoping we wont but you know what? I've gotten to the point now where I don't have any hope left. I don't get mad, I get even and if someone is going to be a total asshole let them don't show your weak side by trying to get them to talk to you you'll never win either way so what do you have to lose? I've just quit trying I make too much effort and no one makes enough so until then I don't want to be with anyone. Its just a waste a time of worrying for nothing and being upset for being ignored most of the time. Cause you know if you ignore them for more than a minute they have a fit but you leave and its like the end of the world. Relationships just over rated. I don't understand how anyone can last in them, guys are just self-centered bastards. I just can't handle it anymore it isn't worth it. I mean what really is worth it in the end? We're all gonna die and we did things for what reason? none...

Okay heres rant number two. I hate people. I really do, their so freaking dumb. Honestly, if you care more about fucking taxes than saving someones life or curing them...than you deserve to just fucking die. Obviously no one wants taxes raised but think about it, if you have a mother, father, brother, sister, best friend, aunt, boyfriend, girlfriend, uncle, niece, nephew, daughter, son anyone that is born with a disease or is later diagnosed with them would you just want to sit there and watch them die? or would you rather be for something that is going to help everyone in the long run. I don't understand how everyone can be so self-centered. If something is going to help cure a disease and prevent people from dying don't you think thats better? than worrying about your fucking taxes and your stupid money.

Its so dumb...I can't stand the usa anymore. I hate to say it but I really can't. Theres never going to be anything close to peace and people who think there is are just as dumb as fuck. seriously...you really think there is going to be "world peace" yea fucking right in your own dreams. There are billions bazillions ya know of people on the planet there is no way in hell you can please everyone not a chance so I don't get how people can have such high hopes for it, and please your God is not going to do anything. How can something made up, or something that doesn't make sense or something thats just a placebo be real? a placebo is a substance having no pharmacological effect but given merely to satisfy someone who supposes it to be a medicine or to give you some kind of hope. Like praying, its to give you hope that theres something there thats listening that is going to help you in your life, something you should live by when its common sense if you have it. Thou shall not kill, no shit? really? or whatever else. If we weren't suppose to "wait" to have sex until marriage than why do so many people do it ya know? or I don't know. I've just gotten to the lowest point in my life where I can't rely on anything or anyone at one point its going to let you down.

I can't wrack my brain anymore. I'm too tired and just extremely mad, everything is upsetting me and everyone. I've just had it, to a point I don't enjoy anything anymore and I don't even want to go out. But whatever, I'm going to sleep soon because I'm waiting for something thats not going to happen. so whatever. Goodnight.

♥

i can't spell these words out clearly enough

Its funny what you realize when you talk in depth with someone. Its hard to find someone that will and can go that deep with you so when you do you find yourself at new levels, or so I find myself at. It started with a hug, when you hug someone its like your letting them take your everything and being vulnerable. It's like you're opening yourself up for them to get a hold of which ultimately puts you at their command. So, why hug someone when your heart is right there in the open just asking to be ripped out...it gives you a new thought to who you let in there and if their really worth it or not. To me, a hug is more than just wrapping your arms around me but, giving you that power to break me, to put me in the ground, but trusting and hoping that you won't. We complain its "yours to keep break or bury or wear as jewelry" so, why have it so open, why don't you protect it and give it someone worth letting them shatter. A hug to you is probably just an affection and of feeling better but to me its like opening a door I am never ready for. Will I ever be ready for that again? to let someone else have access to a world you will never understand. You'll never begin to understand where it comes from, to you its just a form of something that you couldn't fathom...

&& where do I pick up from here.

Have you ever cried so hard it feels like your tears are running down your face like razorblades? but you can't tell where they've cut from all the blood bursting out of your bloodshot eyes. It hurts so good.
I shake from all the pain thats in my head. I just want to crawl in my bed and throw away everything in my life that I had led because i no longer have anywhere to lead it. Its like I led it in a hole, I was starting to reach for the sky but now its gotten to out of reach and you've pulled me back under, only this time I can see the black above me instead of below me. The only thing below me is rock, right where I've hit, rock bottom. The only thing I seem to have left is a guard. A guard that I've put up that can not be taken down for anyone, a guard that I should have left up a long time ago or this wouldn't have happened. It's like a piece of me keeps dying more and more everyday until what am I going to be left with? I can feel it eating away at my insides like I've eaten an entire bottle of poison but with the word "love" on the outside trying to trick me but I took it anyway and now look where its put me. I am not just miserable I am in misery but the kind that holds you down the kind that you can't understand unless you're beneath it all as well. Its so cold down here where you'd think it would be hot but I am so numb I can only see the knife pulling my heart out and not feeling it I can only see the blood dripping everywhere and bleeding down my face and my arms but I can't feel it. If I could feel it, it would be the best feeling to have instead of you with someone else or me alone with nothing but anything that will hurt. My words don't work anymore they have no meaning they have no feeling. I don't know why they are there, I don't know why they are so useless when they used to have all the meaning in the world but until you said it and proved it the opposite they are just dead. Dead like I feel lying here on the cold floor drowning in a pool of hurt and sorrow. No one gets it, and the main reason to that is that no one listens. You never listen to me when I need you, you're never there when I need you, you don't listen. I've tried so many times to call out for help or to ask for help but no one cares and then at the end when you see what its doing to me you realize that you missed a whole chapter and only got some parts that aren't even relivent to whats really going on. I don't like this. I don't know why this always has to happen to me, everytime. And I have no one to back me up either no matter where I turn its like I turn into an empty space. Or its like everytime my parade is rained on, or I'm happy and its get taken away from me or your there one minute but not the next and I just can't predict anything anymore. I don't know where this is all going, it has no where to go but slowly provide a way through the cracks in the ground to just completely disappear which doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now.
Well, that is all for now, its as much as I can get out with all these distractions. I just want to scream! Goodnight.
♥

The echos that remain.

I feel really alone yes, I feel. I have feelings but you wouldn't know because i rarely show them. No need to show something thats going to be shut down when I can keep it to myself to shut down, right? I don't tell people things because you don't care anyway so why waste time when you're just going to be fake back? yea...
My heart aches, my body suffers, and my mind erupts of things that you couldn't grasp with just one hand or an open mind. I don't think you could ever grasp it if you tried. I don't know where all of this comes from but, my insides feel like their disintegrating and soon enough you'll have to bury them along with me. I feel like someone sedated me and took my insides, my heart first leaving only but a drop of blood to keep me breathing for a while and emptied my head of color and left only chaos in black and white. Its getting harder to breathe though, my body is weakening and I am slowly falling apart more and more. I just sit here in the darkness with nothing but the sound of the clocks ticking and my fingers trying to type as fast as I can get the words out. Its getting harder and harder to take a deep breath and as tired as I am and as I get I just can't seem to sleep at night. You would think I would lay down and fall asleep but yet my mind just lays there hopeless trying to run through things over and over but it can't come to a conclusion, making my head unbearable to cope with making me frustrated with everything that I can not handle. The only way I find myself falling asleep is drowning in my tears every night. I wake up in a pool of sorrow on my pillow to find that it finally exhausted me to relax and fall asleep...it gets old after a while. I sit here and I can barely keep my eyes open and I lay down and its like theres a million and two voices in my head, a movie, and a murder scene at the same time.
Well, I guess I'll go start what I need to finish for another time. Goodnight.
♥

Too much pain.

I don't know where to begin, but lately everything is getting to me. My family has got to be one of my biggest problems they don't understand and never will no matter how hard they try they won't just like no matter what i do or how hard i do try nothing will ever be good enough for them. Its always, oh you have such a bad attitude, your rude, your spoiled blah blah blah you need to get a job you need to go to school, you need to get your act together, your stupid, you live and learn, you don't apply yourself, you don't try, your lazy...blah blah blah. yea i hear that from my wonderful family non-stop. I am so sick of, it gets SO old. I know to live and learn, what do you think I'm doing? I've learned a lot, actually. I've learned to just keep my mouth shut, no ones going to listen anyway and no one really gives a shit, either. You can act all you want but I'd rather just sit in the corner by myself. I've learned that its better to just keep things to myself because others don't want to hear about it and their not going to understand it even if it was as simple as two plus two, oh if only.
You'll never understand how I feel, you'll never understand how I think or why I think this way, you'll never catch a glimpse of me looking in your eyes, I fear far too much to be able to let myself trust anyone.
whatever i don't know what else to write, and will finish this later? goodnight.

two plus two equals seven

So, I've found something else to give up on. Whats next, breathing? Do I need to give up on that too? I'm sick of being alone on everything. No one backs me up, supports me or is ever there for me. Its like nothing out there is for me...the things that make me happy everyone I know hates. Its funny how one person can make me so vulnerable to being hurt. I'll never get to do what I want to do or do what makes me happy because it makes too many people unhappy and then I have to hear about it, so why have to hear about it when I should just do what will make them happy, I don't matter anyway...I learned that a long time ago. I don't know why I keep hoping I will...I don't know. I just don't know anymore...

Has the world ended, yet?

Its like you've lost it all. You don't care about anyone but yourself when you beg to differ when you think you do everything for everyone. Granted you do a lot for the family, you do stuff for me but most of the time its all about you not only do you have to ruin your own life but look what you're doing to me, the person you supposedly care about the most, your family! you're ruining it all, wonder why i have an attitude, wonder why I'm such a stupid inconsiderate nasty rude inconvenience piece of shit? you made me that way! I take after you...I have a horrible temper, just like you. You think I'm not organized, oh you wouldn't even know because you can't look past yourself because nothing comes up to your standards, ever. Nothing is how you like it done, or what you want done..you don't want us, you don't want to take care of me, you don't care! do you see a pattern?? its all about you. If you want it like that so badly then why are you so mad at your family, everyone who cares about you? they should have let you go to jail then you could have been all by your fucking self too see what you're really losing out on. But no, your stupid stubborn ass has to turn it around on everyone else, its all everyone else's fault cause you deserve all this bullshit, so do I deserve your consequences? do I deserve to have to deal with the choices you've made, to fuck my life up and put me in the hole? I wouldn't actually think so, but you obviously just don't care anymore, its all about you. you deserve this and that and we apparently deserve the shit you put us through and to deal your faults. because of what you did, I'm paying for it...and why? because you fucked up your life which fucks up mine. if you don't want us so bad...then why didn't you get rid of us a long time ago if we're the root of all of your damn problems? why won't you let me get out do whatever I want, I'm twenty years old not twelve you can't tell me to be home by 12 or whatever time you feel like...I''m responsible and I take my own credit for my actions. I don't do stupid stuff, like you. I don't like to drink at all, I don't deal with people like that and I have an incredible boyfriend that makes me VERY happy that for some reason you won't let me go see...why? I don't get that for the life of me I can take care of myself I don't even need you so lets make an agreement you don't need me, I don't need you. and we'll be great. I don't really even know what to say to you, I'm sick of all this bullshit its always all MY fault, when I wasn't even there! I'm the reason for your shenanigans and all your lies and shit. If I'm such a bad person, then let me go where I'm happy, if you really "care" about me soooo much. Its not like I go out every night to party its not like I wouldn't compromise, its not like i stay there all day with him I go to spend a few hours that he has off with him...and thats all I do. thats the highlight of my week, the day and thats all I ask for is to see the person that helps me escape from everything you put me through that makes me complete that i love more than you know. You wouldn't understand...but if you could ever talk to me without getting pissed off you'd know a lot more about me than you do, cause you just assume things that are wrong and don't give me any credit for what i do cause in your eyes I don't do shit. Well the day is coming when you'll realize what you've done to me and how I've learned not to take shit from people and especially not you, you say I have a bad attitude, well I wonder why. how can I come and ask you something when you walk in the door yelling cause what you needed help, am I supposed to be standing by the door everyday waiting for you to get home at 3?....why didn't you call ahead of time and ask or come to the door first and say come help me? huh? exactly so you could have something else to bitch about. Thats all you do is bitch and thats why I've become such a bitch and I just confide myself to my room so I don't have to deal with you! I could go on and on and on about all the shit you've put me through and since I'm not on your "side" ever then you should have no problem understanding, but I'm done for now I need out of here and living with you I can't do it anymore I can't have any privacy and you wonder why I get SO mad. I'm going to the gd bathroom or taking a shower, do you think I could get some peace, no lets crowd me and come in the bathroom too, its SO irritating! I can't stand that. Ugh you infuriate me and it makes me laugh when you wonder why, think about what you're doing...but you don't ever think before you do something you only think of yourself and then you get us in the predicament and screw us over along with yourself. I'm trying so hard to get out on my own but for some reason your not understanding that. I can't live with you forever, you stress me out horribly, its your fault I'm always in a bad mood, you always seem to ruin it and apparently I do the same to you, so we're even you ruin my life...I guess I ruined yours the day I was born then?

Too much to handle and then everyone walks out on me. I'm glad I keep it all to myself. Goodnight.

my heads about to explode.

I keep sitting here trying to think of where it all went wrong. Where I lost my mind. Trying to think back to what happened to make me like this, this emotional wreck, this angry, upset, hurting, good for nothing, useless, terrible person, friend...what made me lose my everything? what made it where no one wants anything to do with me or talk to me or whatever...to make it where i am completely alone, that i now have no one. everyone has moved on and found better things. why don't you need me anymore? why don't you want me around? i get nothing but a big knife in my back and pushed off a cliff to survive on my own. thank you...
I see where this all went wrong now...its when I put my barriers down and started to trust one too many people and now its invading my mind and now that I let you in, you fucking leave me. Now everyone is too busy for me, how great is that? thank you for not understanding, thank you for not caring...cause i don't anymore. I can't, I trusted you I trusted too many people, hence why i always have my guard up. Its going back up, to stay now. so don't ask me whats wrong, when you already know don't ask me what my deal is because i don't have one...you do. i'm done trying, i'm done caring i'm done being a "great" friend.
I don't know where to go, what to do and no one to talk too so this is my way of talking to myself? but getting it out there...so don't trash it cause you don't feel the way i do and you sure as hell won't understand.
thats all. i'm hurt...but i can't tell you that because you'll get mad and not understand how you hurt me. =/
♥

&& inside a mind thats dead.

I've gotten to the point in my life where I am actually asking for help, but this being the main reason I never did in the first place is that because when I actually do no one is there. Never. I knew I should have never allowed myself to lose so much control that I actually needed someone, no one ever needs me so, I've always refrained myself from ever really needing someone. If anyone ever needed someone I was always there and always am...but then I just get thrown to the curb because they don't need me anymore. I'm only good for the time being, for being used because everyone knows that I would never try to let anyone down or disappoint you, but its alright if you crush me, or disappoint me, let me down...what was I thinking? I have too much to handle right now and I can't even handle it, I really can not do this by myself, but I guess I have too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll survive it and sometimes I wonder if that really matters. I should be used to having to do everything alone but this I thought someone would have my back, and they don't. Everyone has turned their back on me now, it seems and I can't get it all out at one time. Theres too much. I might as well get used to having this feeling of hurt and emptiness in my mind.
I'm being honest, and honestly I really need you. Not to sit there and bitch like everyone else or tell me what a piece a shit I am or what a pain and inconvenience, because I've already heard that a million times and I already know, thank you but I just need someone to be there for me when I need them the most, just this once. I never ever ask for help, I never breakdown so bad, like this, that I am actually trying to reach out, but see whats the point? Sooner or later I'm going to keep it all to myself again and I'll be even more messed up than I already was. I keep being blamed for everything that is happening. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse it pulls me back under. At this point I don't think I'll ever get out of this black hole. My biggest fear is holding me together and the rest of me is already taken. I am numb and my body shakes, my stomach feels sick and my head throbs. No one gets it...and I guess thats the way its just going to be. I need out, I need something...I have confined myself to my room now and good luck trying to get me out, not that you'll try anyway but only one person can do it.
I'm done. No need to waste anymore time writing about things that, well no one cares about. You wouldn't begin to understand.
♥

In a minute you won't know what hit you.

My headache started out like a normal headache but as its gotten later and I can't stop thinking about you, it just seems like theres an earthquake on my mind. When it explodes I don't know where I will be or what state of mind will be available. Am I crazy? Is there a such thing as thinking too much, wondering, worrying and stressing over things that you have no control over? or is that just normal? I don't even know what normal is, but I'm sure I'm far from it.

Is it so hard to find someone to talk too? I just need someone to keep my mind from wandering all the time, but I can't ever find someone. The person you need the most is never there and their the only one that you know will ease some of the pain. I honestly don't know where I am going with this but I just feel like getting something out. Its freezing in my room and my fingers can barely type which is weird because most of the time I'm sweltering in heat and my head is on overflow. Lately its been so unusual, my body is losing feeling and I'm not doing the normal things I normally do. Normally I'm scavenging for food and drinking as much pop as whats in the house...lately I'm not eating much. A banana, maybe and as many bottles of water as there is in the house as well plus glasses of water. I don't sleep at night anymore, my mind won't stop racing and when I do sleep all I do is dream and their not just dream, dreams their emotional roller coasters where I can feel my heart beating so fast its just going to jump out of my chest. Maybe I am stronger than I realize and in my dreams it seems like its trying to show me what all is going on. I try to run away but dreaming keeps me trapped where I can't and thats when I feel it the worse. When I woke up this morning my head was throbbing and my eyes didn't want to open and my body was exhausted like I hadn't slept in over a week...I'm really stressed out right now and I guess I don't even realize what all is going on I can only think of one thing thats bothering me the most and I think I'm the only person its bothering...no need to say because I wouldn't know how to explain it and no one would understand because you can't feel this right now, which is probably for the best.

I guess thats about it for now. I guess I'll go back to trying to distract myself, my room is wow, I went through everything and threw away many things I never thought I'd let out of my hands and went through clothes, my closet...everything. I'm trying to empty it all out...if only I could do that on the inside too.

♥

SaraNotes.

Its ironic when you need someone the most their never there.
Its like I'm in a big bubble and everything around me is crashing and burning, like I can't do anything about it. Its like I have to sit there and watch everything crumble with no feeling left because you've taken it all out of me. I am so emotionally drained but yet I still have a lot on my mind, a lot that just needs to get out I guess you could say and I don't know any other way. The things that used to work, have no effect and the things that do work, I don't get peace for. Heres a start, although I never really know where to...

I've realized that when I write a lot I run out of words. Like, words are kind of stupid. They can't describe to any depth about how you feel or passion. Its like they skim the surface of what you're trying to say but can't make you understand it all. They can't let you feel how much you're hurting or how black my mind is, it can't let you to see for yourself it can't take justice for whats really going on. They can't explain everything to the deepest all they can do is try, try being the key word for words its all they can do. I mean what is a word? Things that come out of our mouth? A language no one can understand? I don't understand the meaning for a word. We throw them around like its a baseball in our hand but how do we show meaning to a word. We try to explain things that will never be fathomed but in our mind and you can't get that deep inside with words and understand it all piece by piece. There are even certain words people don't even know the meaning of, its just being used to everyone throwing it around and saying it like its free then whats wrong with cussing or whatever else you want to speak then? I don't think theres many times when you can say the right word and it work out. When you tell someone you "love" them or you say it shouldn't it mean something? or do you think that because you see something in them that its love? I don't think anyone really knows what Love is, or what it means. Honestly, you shouldn't have to say it to let someone know it should be shown in how you do things around them how you act and how you feel. Everyone says to follow your heart, but your heart leads you in the wrong direction, so I've noticed. When your heart finally breaks is when you truly know that you "loved" someone because you never know what you have until its gone. You never realized that you love a person until you can't imagine life without them, until you're losing them, until you have already lost them and you don't know what to do with yourself and you can already tell that no one could come close to that again. Its just words don't cut it how can you explain to someone how much you care about them? how do you know? is it a feeling or a word? what do you trust more...is going to really matter either one is going to get you straight to hell. Everyone seems to make up their own meaning to each word as how they've experienced it. Like no two people are exactly alike and no two people think the same word means the same. You can't figure out what one thing is without knowing what the other means and then the whole point of a word is confused. At first it was simple but then you go to the depths and you can barley understand it. Seize the point of what is a word? How do you know which one is really right and where it came from?

I want to know what people think of only for the humor of you have no idea. If you could look into my eyes or look at my heart you'd be able to see it's been all torn apart. And every time I cry its like a piece of me that has died, but I've gotten to the point where I can't cry anymore and thats a sign I'm dead inside. My eyes are stained with crimson tears a drop for all my deepest fears. An empty heart with pain flowing so deep I can barely concentrate. So many things are going through my head, unanswered questions, thoughts and suicides like you wouldn't believe for a second. Do you think that you could fathom? Do you think that you'd be able to understand why its so hard and why no one understands me. This isn't a two plus two problem anymore its like a calculus problem times two million to the depths of forever and back and somewhere in between finding a piece of mind...

It seems like nothing in the world needs me to complete them because they can find someone far better than I could ever be.

You're never ready for something until that day or time has passed. Afterwards you can think about what could have been and what you should have done.

I guess that'll be all for now, I'm sure there will be some more later but its time for sleep and my mind has wondered too far already. Goodnight.

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