&& inside a mind thats dead.

I've gotten to the point in my life where I am actually asking for help, but this being the main reason I never did in the first place is that because when I actually do no one is there. Never. I knew I should have never allowed myself to lose so much control that I actually needed someone, no one ever needs me so, I've always refrained myself from ever really needing someone. If anyone ever needed someone I was always there and always am...but then I just get thrown to the curb because they don't need me anymore. I'm only good for the time being, for being used because everyone knows that I would never try to let anyone down or disappoint you, but its alright if you crush me, or disappoint me, let me down...what was I thinking? I have too much to handle right now and I can't even handle it, I really can not do this by myself, but I guess I have too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll survive it and sometimes I wonder if that really matters. I should be used to having to do everything alone but this I thought someone would have my back, and they don't. Everyone has turned their back on me now, it seems and I can't get it all out at one time. Theres too much. I might as well get used to having this feeling of hurt and emptiness in my mind.
I'm being honest, and honestly I really need you. Not to sit there and bitch like everyone else or tell me what a piece a shit I am or what a pain and inconvenience, because I've already heard that a million times and I already know, thank you but I just need someone to be there for me when I need them the most, just this once. I never ever ask for help, I never breakdown so bad, like this, that I am actually trying to reach out, but see whats the point? Sooner or later I'm going to keep it all to myself again and I'll be even more messed up than I already was. I keep being blamed for everything that is happening. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse it pulls me back under. At this point I don't think I'll ever get out of this black hole. My biggest fear is holding me together and the rest of me is already taken. I am numb and my body shakes, my stomach feels sick and my head throbs. No one gets it...and I guess thats the way its just going to be. I need out, I need something...I have confined myself to my room now and good luck trying to get me out, not that you'll try anyway but only one person can do it.
I'm done. No need to waste anymore time writing about things that, well no one cares about. You wouldn't begin to understand.
♥