SaraNotes.

Its ironic when you need someone the most their never there.
Its like I'm in a big bubble and everything around me is crashing and burning, like I can't do anything about it. Its like I have to sit there and watch everything crumble with no feeling left because you've taken it all out of me. I am so emotionally drained but yet I still have a lot on my mind, a lot that just needs to get out I guess you could say and I don't know any other way. The things that used to work, have no effect and the things that do work, I don't get peace for. Heres a start, although I never really know where to...

I've realized that when I write a lot I run out of words. Like, words are kind of stupid. They can't describe to any depth about how you feel or passion. Its like they skim the surface of what you're trying to say but can't make you understand it all. They can't let you feel how much you're hurting or how black my mind is, it can't let you to see for yourself it can't take justice for whats really going on. They can't explain everything to the deepest all they can do is try, try being the key word for words its all they can do. I mean what is a word? Things that come out of our mouth? A language no one can understand? I don't understand the meaning for a word. We throw them around like its a baseball in our hand but how do we show meaning to a word. We try to explain things that will never be fathomed but in our mind and you can't get that deep inside with words and understand it all piece by piece. There are even certain words people don't even know the meaning of, its just being used to everyone throwing it around and saying it like its free then whats wrong with cussing or whatever else you want to speak then? I don't think theres many times when you can say the right word and it work out. When you tell someone you "love" them or you say it shouldn't it mean something? or do you think that because you see something in them that its love? I don't think anyone really knows what Love is, or what it means. Honestly, you shouldn't have to say it to let someone know it should be shown in how you do things around them how you act and how you feel. Everyone says to follow your heart, but your heart leads you in the wrong direction, so I've noticed. When your heart finally breaks is when you truly know that you "loved" someone because you never know what you have until its gone. You never realized that you love a person until you can't imagine life without them, until you're losing them, until you have already lost them and you don't know what to do with yourself and you can already tell that no one could come close to that again. Its just words don't cut it how can you explain to someone how much you care about them? how do you know? is it a feeling or a word? what do you trust more...is going to really matter either one is going to get you straight to hell. Everyone seems to make up their own meaning to each word as how they've experienced it. Like no two people are exactly alike and no two people think the same word means the same. You can't figure out what one thing is without knowing what the other means and then the whole point of a word is confused. At first it was simple but then you go to the depths and you can barley understand it. Seize the point of what is a word? How do you know which one is really right and where it came from?

I want to know what people think of only for the humor of you have no idea. If you could look into my eyes or look at my heart you'd be able to see it's been all torn apart. And every time I cry its like a piece of me that has died, but I've gotten to the point where I can't cry anymore and thats a sign I'm dead inside. My eyes are stained with crimson tears a drop for all my deepest fears. An empty heart with pain flowing so deep I can barely concentrate. So many things are going through my head, unanswered questions, thoughts and suicides like you wouldn't believe for a second. Do you think that you could fathom? Do you think that you'd be able to understand why its so hard and why no one understands me. This isn't a two plus two problem anymore its like a calculus problem times two million to the depths of forever and back and somewhere in between finding a piece of mind...

It seems like nothing in the world needs me to complete them because they can find someone far better than I could ever be.

You're never ready for something until that day or time has passed. Afterwards you can think about what could have been and what you should have done.

I guess that'll be all for now, I'm sure there will be some more later but its time for sleep and my mind has wondered too far already. Goodnight.

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