Wednesday, October 22, 2008
i lost my own battle.
I'm hurt. You're supposed to be my friends, you're supposed to be there for me, you're supposed to care, you're supposed to be my life. I'm starting to think that I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I'm not quite sure why I can't quit! I know not to trust, I know not to rely, I know not to get my hopes up or believe or have faith because every single time, theres not one time it hasn't happened, I get left out. I get hurt, I get kicked the curb, I get talked about, I get bitched at, I get meaningless, I get rejected, pushed away and replaced. So, please tell me what a better feeling that all of that in a blender would be? Right, nothing because you've got it all right there. I'm supposed to be able to talk to you about anything! but I just can't seem to find any words to speak to you right now. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to put forth the effort anymore. I am sick of being the only one doing so. If you want to ignore me, have fucking at it. If you want to hang out with your new friends, good for fucking you, don't call me anymore. If you need a favor, too fucking bad no more chances are left for anyone I am shutting the door and dead bolting it, throwing away the key and staying in there by myself. You might as well just let me go, even if you were to "try" its not going to be good enough for me. nothing is, nothing at all could make me want or to forgive. I'm not forgiving or forgetting this time, should have thought things through in the first place before you just lost me. but who's loss is it really?
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3 comments:
Um... Nobody was leaving you out...
When you asked what I was doing and I said "Nothing" it wasn't because I was "trying to hide the fact" I was at Perry's apartment. I'm there almost everyday, I didn't think I needed to specify where I was at, but simply I was sitting in a chair with my laptop not doing anything.
We all wanted you to come over, you know you can come over whenever you don't have to be asked, door is always open... but, you were hesitant and already mad so what were we supposed to do? We asked you, and it took forever just for you to decide to come over. Then you got there and everybody was happy to see you and you wouldn't even say two words to anybody. So what did you want us to do?
I can really only speak for Deanna and myself (and possibly Perry), not for the guys. Because guys tend to be dicks and I couldn't tell you what they were thinking.
Nobody hates you. Nobody likes us more than anybody else. Sure I see them everyday, I pretty much live with Perry and Narinder is always over. Not much I can do about that, it's not like I call them up and ask them if I can come over.
Nobody was pushing you away, you were pushing yourself away by saying we didn't care and this and that.
How about the time you shut us (Deanna and I) out of your life because you were more concerned about Justin?? Remember that?
Sure, we were pretty pissed about it, but we didn't (at least I) stop talking to you, or shut you out. Sure, I damn near thought about it because it was bullshit, but you're my best friend. So, I didn't. I figured you are worth more than that scumbag ever will be so you know.
But now you're mad at us for something we didn't even do??
Yeah, we went to the store and got a pumpkin, Deanna wanted to. It's not because we didn't want to take you, or leave you out. You were bowling. So? You, Deanna and Narinder went out the other night. I didn't care, I was doing my own thing and I didn't have any money. Same concept, cept you were bowling.
Thought I would tell you that but I'm sure your "done trying" on whatever you may be trying about.
And apologies for what I may have said or could have said.. I'm still unaware to what exactly I did.
I was hesitant because it just seemed like obviously you didn't want me there, and you guys, (you four) are always together now and you don't need me. When I got there...I do believe that you and I had a fucking conversation so, I don't see how you can say I didn't say two words to anyone because I said something to everyone! When I walked in I said hello to everyone...I messed around with Narinder and the pumpkin, I said hi to Perry, I was messing around with Deanna and yelling at Nick. I sat next to you on the couch and we were talking, so I'm pretty sure I said more than two words to everyone.
Narinder and I discussed all of this last night so, thats all whatever. I just don't feel very welcome over at Perry's is all but you guys can do whatever you want.
Just forget about it, it happened oh well...I just won't expect anything next time. I'm not going to stand in the way or whatever to you guys.
The 'two words' thing wasn't literally two words. It's as in you didn't say much.
I know we talked it was nice.
How did we obviously not want you there?? because none of us said/thought that at all.
Cept maybe Nick, but who gives a shit.
Nobody said you weren't welcome over, nobody said we didn't need you. Why would any of us even think that??
Maybe I'm not understanding where you got that vibe at??
Sure we hang out with them, so what? I pretty much live with them, so yeah they're around.
Nobody is stopping you from coming over, we all like you and always like it when you come over.
I haven't heard otherwise.
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