Have you ever cried so hard it feels like your tears are running down your face like razorblades? but you can't tell where they've cut from all the blood bursting out of your bloodshot eyes. It hurts so good.
I shake from all the pain thats in my head. I just want to crawl in my bed and throw away everything in my life that I had led because i no longer have anywhere to lead it. Its like I led it in a hole, I was starting to reach for the sky but now its gotten to out of reach and you've pulled me back under, only this time I can see the black above me instead of below me. The only thing below me is rock, right where I've hit, rock bottom. The only thing I seem to have left is a guard. A guard that I've put up that can not be taken down for anyone, a guard that I should have left up a long time ago or this wouldn't have happened. It's like a piece of me keeps dying more and more everyday until what am I going to be left with? I can feel it eating away at my insides like I've eaten an entire bottle of poison but with the word "love" on the outside trying to trick me but I took it anyway and now look where its put me. I am not just miserable I am in misery but the kind that holds you down the kind that you can't understand unless you're beneath it all as well. Its so cold down here where you'd think it would be hot but I am so numb I can only see the knife pulling my heart out and not feeling it I can only see the blood dripping everywhere and bleeding down my face and my arms but I can't feel it. If I could feel it, it would be the best feeling to have instead of you with someone else or me alone with nothing but anything that will hurt. My words don't work anymore they have no meaning they have no feeling. I don't know why they are there, I don't know why they are so useless when they used to have all the meaning in the world but until you said it and proved it the opposite they are just dead. Dead like I feel lying here on the cold floor drowning in a pool of hurt and sorrow. No one gets it, and the main reason to that is that no one listens. You never listen to me when I need you, you're never there when I need you, you don't listen. I've tried so many times to call out for help or to ask for help but no one cares and then at the end when you see what its doing to me you realize that you missed a whole chapter and only got some parts that aren't even relivent to whats really going on. I don't like this. I don't know why this always has to happen to me, everytime. And I have no one to back me up either no matter where I turn its like I turn into an empty space. Or its like everytime my parade is rained on, or I'm happy and its get taken away from me or your there one minute but not the next and I just can't predict anything anymore. I don't know where this is all going, it has no where to go but slowly provide a way through the cracks in the ground to just completely disappear which doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now.
Well, that is all for now, its as much as I can get out with all these distractions. I just want to scream! Goodnight.
♥
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