i lost my own battle.

I'm hurt. You're supposed to be my friends, you're supposed to be there for me, you're supposed to care, you're supposed to be my life. I'm starting to think that I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I'm not quite sure why I can't quit! I know not to trust, I know not to rely, I know not to get my hopes up or believe or have faith because every single time, theres not one time it hasn't happened, I get left out. I get hurt, I get kicked the curb, I get talked about, I get bitched at, I get meaningless, I get rejected, pushed away and replaced. So, please tell me what a better feeling that all of that in a blender would be? Right, nothing because you've got it all right there. I'm supposed to be able to talk to you about anything! but I just can't seem to find any words to speak to you right now. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to put forth the effort anymore. I am sick of being the only one doing so. If you want to ignore me, have fucking at it. If you want to hang out with your new friends, good for fucking you, don't call me anymore. If you need a favor, too fucking bad no more chances are left for anyone I am shutting the door and dead bolting it, throwing away the key and staying in there by myself. You might as well just let me go, even if you were to "try" its not going to be good enough for me. nothing is, nothing at all could make me want or to forgive. I'm not forgiving or forgetting this time, should have thought things through in the first place before you just lost me. but who's loss is it really?

We're all just fake

Well its kind of been a while but theres not a whole lot to blabber about, although I'm sure I could find something. Actually today I was going on about guys. Nothing you do is ever good enough. I mean think about it..."If you dress nicely he thinks you're a snob. If you dress sexy he thinks you're a slut. If you argue with him he thinks you're stubborn. If you're quiet he thinks you don't care. if you call he thinks you're needy and clingy. If he calls you he thinks you should be great full. If you don't love him he'll try to win you over. If you do love him, he'll leave you. If you don't fuck him he'll say you're a tease, if you do he'll say you're easy. If you tell him your problems he'll say you're irritating. If you don't he'll say you don't trust him. If you lecture him he'll say you're bitchy, if he lectures you its only because he "cares." If you break a promise you can't be trusted, if he breaks it he had too. If you cheat, he'll expect it to be over. if he does he expects to be given another chance." Isn't the truth? Their all the same, every single last one of them. Even if they start to show they might be different you'll find something that you always get in every relationship and its just something we're attracted to in one person that we always find. Its like a placebo that we always find but we like it yet we hate it so why do we always go back? I don't understand it as much as the next person but I've started to believe that maybe love just doesn't exist. You can't find something steady enough to keep you going. I can't, I can't find something long enough to make it last.

All they do is hurt you. But who's fault is that? Is it ours or theirs? Do we let them or do we just tell ourselves they did it on their own? We pretty much give ourselves away, we put ourselves out there to be hurt hoping we wont but you know what? I've gotten to the point now where I don't have any hope left. I don't get mad, I get even and if someone is going to be a total asshole let them don't show your weak side by trying to get them to talk to you you'll never win either way so what do you have to lose? I've just quit trying I make too much effort and no one makes enough so until then I don't want to be with anyone. Its just a waste a time of worrying for nothing and being upset for being ignored most of the time. Cause you know if you ignore them for more than a minute they have a fit but you leave and its like the end of the world. Relationships just over rated. I don't understand how anyone can last in them, guys are just self-centered bastards. I just can't handle it anymore it isn't worth it. I mean what really is worth it in the end? We're all gonna die and we did things for what reason? none...

Okay heres rant number two. I hate people. I really do, their so freaking dumb. Honestly, if you care more about fucking taxes than saving someones life or curing them...than you deserve to just fucking die. Obviously no one wants taxes raised but think about it, if you have a mother, father, brother, sister, best friend, aunt, boyfriend, girlfriend, uncle, niece, nephew, daughter, son anyone that is born with a disease or is later diagnosed with them would you just want to sit there and watch them die? or would you rather be for something that is going to help everyone in the long run. I don't understand how everyone can be so self-centered. If something is going to help cure a disease and prevent people from dying don't you think thats better? than worrying about your fucking taxes and your stupid money.

Its so dumb...I can't stand the usa anymore. I hate to say it but I really can't. Theres never going to be anything close to peace and people who think there is are just as dumb as fuck. seriously...you really think there is going to be "world peace" yea fucking right in your own dreams. There are billions bazillions ya know of people on the planet there is no way in hell you can please everyone not a chance so I don't get how people can have such high hopes for it, and please your God is not going to do anything. How can something made up, or something that doesn't make sense or something thats just a placebo be real? a placebo is a substance having no pharmacological effect but given merely to satisfy someone who supposes it to be a medicine or to give you some kind of hope. Like praying, its to give you hope that theres something there thats listening that is going to help you in your life, something you should live by when its common sense if you have it. Thou shall not kill, no shit? really? or whatever else. If we weren't suppose to "wait" to have sex until marriage than why do so many people do it ya know? or I don't know. I've just gotten to the lowest point in my life where I can't rely on anything or anyone at one point its going to let you down.

I can't wrack my brain anymore. I'm too tired and just extremely mad, everything is upsetting me and everyone. I've just had it, to a point I don't enjoy anything anymore and I don't even want to go out. But whatever, I'm going to sleep soon because I'm waiting for something thats not going to happen. so whatever. Goodnight.

♥

i can't spell these words out clearly enough

Its funny what you realize when you talk in depth with someone. Its hard to find someone that will and can go that deep with you so when you do you find yourself at new levels, or so I find myself at. It started with a hug, when you hug someone its like your letting them take your everything and being vulnerable. It's like you're opening yourself up for them to get a hold of which ultimately puts you at their command. So, why hug someone when your heart is right there in the open just asking to be ripped out...it gives you a new thought to who you let in there and if their really worth it or not. To me, a hug is more than just wrapping your arms around me but, giving you that power to break me, to put me in the ground, but trusting and hoping that you won't. We complain its "yours to keep break or bury or wear as jewelry" so, why have it so open, why don't you protect it and give it someone worth letting them shatter. A hug to you is probably just an affection and of feeling better but to me its like opening a door I am never ready for. Will I ever be ready for that again? to let someone else have access to a world you will never understand. You'll never begin to understand where it comes from, to you its just a form of something that you couldn't fathom...

&& where do I pick up from here.

Have you ever cried so hard it feels like your tears are running down your face like razorblades? but you can't tell where they've cut from all the blood bursting out of your bloodshot eyes. It hurts so good.
I shake from all the pain thats in my head. I just want to crawl in my bed and throw away everything in my life that I had led because i no longer have anywhere to lead it. Its like I led it in a hole, I was starting to reach for the sky but now its gotten to out of reach and you've pulled me back under, only this time I can see the black above me instead of below me. The only thing below me is rock, right where I've hit, rock bottom. The only thing I seem to have left is a guard. A guard that I've put up that can not be taken down for anyone, a guard that I should have left up a long time ago or this wouldn't have happened. It's like a piece of me keeps dying more and more everyday until what am I going to be left with? I can feel it eating away at my insides like I've eaten an entire bottle of poison but with the word "love" on the outside trying to trick me but I took it anyway and now look where its put me. I am not just miserable I am in misery but the kind that holds you down the kind that you can't understand unless you're beneath it all as well. Its so cold down here where you'd think it would be hot but I am so numb I can only see the knife pulling my heart out and not feeling it I can only see the blood dripping everywhere and bleeding down my face and my arms but I can't feel it. If I could feel it, it would be the best feeling to have instead of you with someone else or me alone with nothing but anything that will hurt. My words don't work anymore they have no meaning they have no feeling. I don't know why they are there, I don't know why they are so useless when they used to have all the meaning in the world but until you said it and proved it the opposite they are just dead. Dead like I feel lying here on the cold floor drowning in a pool of hurt and sorrow. No one gets it, and the main reason to that is that no one listens. You never listen to me when I need you, you're never there when I need you, you don't listen. I've tried so many times to call out for help or to ask for help but no one cares and then at the end when you see what its doing to me you realize that you missed a whole chapter and only got some parts that aren't even relivent to whats really going on. I don't like this. I don't know why this always has to happen to me, everytime. And I have no one to back me up either no matter where I turn its like I turn into an empty space. Or its like everytime my parade is rained on, or I'm happy and its get taken away from me or your there one minute but not the next and I just can't predict anything anymore. I don't know where this is all going, it has no where to go but slowly provide a way through the cracks in the ground to just completely disappear which doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now.
Well, that is all for now, its as much as I can get out with all these distractions. I just want to scream! Goodnight.
♥