I keep sitting here trying to think of where it all went wrong. Where I lost my mind. Trying to think back to what happened to make me like this, this emotional wreck, this angry, upset, hurting, good for nothing, useless, terrible person, friend...what made me lose my everything? what made it where no one wants anything to do with me or talk to me or whatever...to make it where i am completely alone, that i now have no one. everyone has moved on and found better things. why don't you need me anymore? why don't you want me around? i get nothing but a big knife in my back and pushed off a cliff to survive on my own. thank you...
I see where this all went wrong now...its when I put my barriers down and started to trust one too many people and now its invading my mind and now that I let you in, you fucking leave me. Now everyone is too busy for me, how great is that? thank you for not understanding, thank you for not caring...cause i don't anymore. I can't, I trusted you I trusted too many people, hence why i always have my guard up. Its going back up, to stay now. so don't ask me whats wrong, when you already know don't ask me what my deal is because i don't have one...you do. i'm done trying, i'm done caring i'm done being a "great" friend.
I don't know where to go, what to do and no one to talk too so this is my way of talking to myself? but getting it out there...so don't trash it cause you don't feel the way i do and you sure as hell won't understand.
thats all. i'm hurt...but i can't tell you that because you'll get mad and not understand how you hurt me. =/
♥
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
&& inside a mind thats dead.
I've gotten to the point in my life where I am actually asking for help, but this being the main reason I never did in the first place is that because when I actually do no one is there. Never. I knew I should have never allowed myself to lose so much control that I actually needed someone, no one ever needs me so, I've always refrained myself from ever really needing someone. If anyone ever needed someone I was always there and always am...but then I just get thrown to the curb because they don't need me anymore. I'm only good for the time being, for being used because everyone knows that I would never try to let anyone down or disappoint you, but its alright if you crush me, or disappoint me, let me down...what was I thinking? I have too much to handle right now and I can't even handle it, I really can not do this by myself, but I guess I have too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll survive it and sometimes I wonder if that really matters. I should be used to having to do everything alone but this I thought someone would have my back, and they don't. Everyone has turned their back on me now, it seems and I can't get it all out at one time. Theres too much. I might as well get used to having this feeling of hurt and emptiness in my mind.
I'm being honest, and honestly I really need you. Not to sit there and bitch like everyone else or tell me what a piece a shit I am or what a pain and inconvenience, because I've already heard that a million times and I already know, thank you but I just need someone to be there for me when I need them the most, just this once. I never ever ask for help, I never breakdown so bad, like this, that I am actually trying to reach out, but see whats the point? Sooner or later I'm going to keep it all to myself again and I'll be even more messed up than I already was. I keep being blamed for everything that is happening. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse it pulls me back under. At this point I don't think I'll ever get out of this black hole. My biggest fear is holding me together and the rest of me is already taken. I am numb and my body shakes, my stomach feels sick and my head throbs. No one gets it...and I guess thats the way its just going to be. I need out, I need something...I have confined myself to my room now and good luck trying to get me out, not that you'll try anyway but only one person can do it.
I'm done. No need to waste anymore time writing about things that, well no one cares about. You wouldn't begin to understand.
♥
I'm being honest, and honestly I really need you. Not to sit there and bitch like everyone else or tell me what a piece a shit I am or what a pain and inconvenience, because I've already heard that a million times and I already know, thank you but I just need someone to be there for me when I need them the most, just this once. I never ever ask for help, I never breakdown so bad, like this, that I am actually trying to reach out, but see whats the point? Sooner or later I'm going to keep it all to myself again and I'll be even more messed up than I already was. I keep being blamed for everything that is happening. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse it pulls me back under. At this point I don't think I'll ever get out of this black hole. My biggest fear is holding me together and the rest of me is already taken. I am numb and my body shakes, my stomach feels sick and my head throbs. No one gets it...and I guess thats the way its just going to be. I need out, I need something...I have confined myself to my room now and good luck trying to get me out, not that you'll try anyway but only one person can do it.
I'm done. No need to waste anymore time writing about things that, well no one cares about. You wouldn't begin to understand.
♥
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
In a minute you won't know what hit you.
My headache started out like a normal headache but as its gotten later and I can't stop thinking about you, it just seems like theres an earthquake on my mind. When it explodes I don't know where I will be or what state of mind will be available. Am I crazy? Is there a such thing as thinking too much, wondering, worrying and stressing over things that you have no control over? or is that just normal? I don't even know what normal is, but I'm sure I'm far from it.
Is it so hard to find someone to talk too? I just need someone to keep my mind from wandering all the time, but I can't ever find someone. The person you need the most is never there and their the only one that you know will ease some of the pain. I honestly don't know where I am going with this but I just feel like getting something out. Its freezing in my room and my fingers can barely type which is weird because most of the time I'm sweltering in heat and my head is on overflow. Lately its been so unusual, my body is losing feeling and I'm not doing the normal things I normally do. Normally I'm scavenging for food and drinking as much pop as whats in the house...lately I'm not eating much. A banana, maybe and as many bottles of water as there is in the house as well plus glasses of water. I don't sleep at night anymore, my mind won't stop racing and when I do sleep all I do is dream and their not just dream, dreams their emotional roller coasters where I can feel my heart beating so fast its just going to jump out of my chest. Maybe I am stronger than I realize and in my dreams it seems like its trying to show me what all is going on. I try to run away but dreaming keeps me trapped where I can't and thats when I feel it the worse. When I woke up this morning my head was throbbing and my eyes didn't want to open and my body was exhausted like I hadn't slept in over a week...I'm really stressed out right now and I guess I don't even realize what all is going on I can only think of one thing thats bothering me the most and I think I'm the only person its bothering...no need to say because I wouldn't know how to explain it and no one would understand because you can't feel this right now, which is probably for the best.
I guess thats about it for now. I guess I'll go back to trying to distract myself, my room is wow, I went through everything and threw away many things I never thought I'd let out of my hands and went through clothes, my closet...everything. I'm trying to empty it all out...if only I could do that on the inside too.
♥
Is it so hard to find someone to talk too? I just need someone to keep my mind from wandering all the time, but I can't ever find someone. The person you need the most is never there and their the only one that you know will ease some of the pain. I honestly don't know where I am going with this but I just feel like getting something out. Its freezing in my room and my fingers can barely type which is weird because most of the time I'm sweltering in heat and my head is on overflow. Lately its been so unusual, my body is losing feeling and I'm not doing the normal things I normally do. Normally I'm scavenging for food and drinking as much pop as whats in the house...lately I'm not eating much. A banana, maybe and as many bottles of water as there is in the house as well plus glasses of water. I don't sleep at night anymore, my mind won't stop racing and when I do sleep all I do is dream and their not just dream, dreams their emotional roller coasters where I can feel my heart beating so fast its just going to jump out of my chest. Maybe I am stronger than I realize and in my dreams it seems like its trying to show me what all is going on. I try to run away but dreaming keeps me trapped where I can't and thats when I feel it the worse. When I woke up this morning my head was throbbing and my eyes didn't want to open and my body was exhausted like I hadn't slept in over a week...I'm really stressed out right now and I guess I don't even realize what all is going on I can only think of one thing thats bothering me the most and I think I'm the only person its bothering...no need to say because I wouldn't know how to explain it and no one would understand because you can't feel this right now, which is probably for the best.
I guess thats about it for now. I guess I'll go back to trying to distract myself, my room is wow, I went through everything and threw away many things I never thought I'd let out of my hands and went through clothes, my closet...everything. I'm trying to empty it all out...if only I could do that on the inside too.
♥
Sunday, July 27, 2008
SaraNotes.
Its ironic when you need someone the most their never there.
Its like I'm in a big bubble and everything around me is crashing and burning, like I can't do anything about it. Its like I have to sit there and watch everything crumble with no feeling left because you've taken it all out of me. I am so emotionally drained but yet I still have a lot on my mind, a lot that just needs to get out I guess you could say and I don't know any other way. The things that used to work, have no effect and the things that do work, I don't get peace for. Heres a start, although I never really know where to...
I've realized that when I write a lot I run out of words. Like, words are kind of stupid. They can't describe to any depth about how you feel or passion. Its like they skim the surface of what you're trying to say but can't make you understand it all. They can't let you feel how much you're hurting or how black my mind is, it can't let you to see for yourself it can't take justice for whats really going on. They can't explain everything to the deepest all they can do is try, try being the key word for words its all they can do. I mean what is a word? Things that come out of our mouth? A language no one can understand? I don't understand the meaning for a word. We throw them around like its a baseball in our hand but how do we show meaning to a word. We try to explain things that will never be fathomed but in our mind and you can't get that deep inside with words and understand it all piece by piece. There are even certain words people don't even know the meaning of, its just being used to everyone throwing it around and saying it like its free then whats wrong with cussing or whatever else you want to speak then? I don't think theres many times when you can say the right word and it work out. When you tell someone you "love" them or you say it shouldn't it mean something? or do you think that because you see something in them that its love? I don't think anyone really knows what Love is, or what it means. Honestly, you shouldn't have to say it to let someone know it should be shown in how you do things around them how you act and how you feel. Everyone says to follow your heart, but your heart leads you in the wrong direction, so I've noticed. When your heart finally breaks is when you truly know that you "loved" someone because you never know what you have until its gone. You never realized that you love a person until you can't imagine life without them, until you're losing them, until you have already lost them and you don't know what to do with yourself and you can already tell that no one could come close to that again. Its just words don't cut it how can you explain to someone how much you care about them? how do you know? is it a feeling or a word? what do you trust more...is going to really matter either one is going to get you straight to hell. Everyone seems to make up their own meaning to each word as how they've experienced it. Like no two people are exactly alike and no two people think the same word means the same. You can't figure out what one thing is without knowing what the other means and then the whole point of a word is confused. At first it was simple but then you go to the depths and you can barley understand it. Seize the point of what is a word? How do you know which one is really right and where it came from?
I want to know what people think of only for the humor of you have no idea. If you could look into my eyes or look at my heart you'd be able to see it's been all torn apart. And every time I cry its like a piece of me that has died, but I've gotten to the point where I can't cry anymore and thats a sign I'm dead inside. My eyes are stained with crimson tears a drop for all my deepest fears. An empty heart with pain flowing so deep I can barely concentrate. So many things are going through my head, unanswered questions, thoughts and suicides like you wouldn't believe for a second. Do you think that you could fathom? Do you think that you'd be able to understand why its so hard and why no one understands me. This isn't a two plus two problem anymore its like a calculus problem times two million to the depths of forever and back and somewhere in between finding a piece of mind...
It seems like nothing in the world needs me to complete them because they can find someone far better than I could ever be.
You're never ready for something until that day or time has passed. Afterwards you can think about what could have been and what you should have done.
I guess that'll be all for now, I'm sure there will be some more later but its time for sleep and my mind has wondered too far already. Goodnight.
<33
Its like I'm in a big bubble and everything around me is crashing and burning, like I can't do anything about it. Its like I have to sit there and watch everything crumble with no feeling left because you've taken it all out of me. I am so emotionally drained but yet I still have a lot on my mind, a lot that just needs to get out I guess you could say and I don't know any other way. The things that used to work, have no effect and the things that do work, I don't get peace for. Heres a start, although I never really know where to...
I've realized that when I write a lot I run out of words. Like, words are kind of stupid. They can't describe to any depth about how you feel or passion. Its like they skim the surface of what you're trying to say but can't make you understand it all. They can't let you feel how much you're hurting or how black my mind is, it can't let you to see for yourself it can't take justice for whats really going on. They can't explain everything to the deepest all they can do is try, try being the key word for words its all they can do. I mean what is a word? Things that come out of our mouth? A language no one can understand? I don't understand the meaning for a word. We throw them around like its a baseball in our hand but how do we show meaning to a word. We try to explain things that will never be fathomed but in our mind and you can't get that deep inside with words and understand it all piece by piece. There are even certain words people don't even know the meaning of, its just being used to everyone throwing it around and saying it like its free then whats wrong with cussing or whatever else you want to speak then? I don't think theres many times when you can say the right word and it work out. When you tell someone you "love" them or you say it shouldn't it mean something? or do you think that because you see something in them that its love? I don't think anyone really knows what Love is, or what it means. Honestly, you shouldn't have to say it to let someone know it should be shown in how you do things around them how you act and how you feel. Everyone says to follow your heart, but your heart leads you in the wrong direction, so I've noticed. When your heart finally breaks is when you truly know that you "loved" someone because you never know what you have until its gone. You never realized that you love a person until you can't imagine life without them, until you're losing them, until you have already lost them and you don't know what to do with yourself and you can already tell that no one could come close to that again. Its just words don't cut it how can you explain to someone how much you care about them? how do you know? is it a feeling or a word? what do you trust more...is going to really matter either one is going to get you straight to hell. Everyone seems to make up their own meaning to each word as how they've experienced it. Like no two people are exactly alike and no two people think the same word means the same. You can't figure out what one thing is without knowing what the other means and then the whole point of a word is confused. At first it was simple but then you go to the depths and you can barley understand it. Seize the point of what is a word? How do you know which one is really right and where it came from?
I want to know what people think of only for the humor of you have no idea. If you could look into my eyes or look at my heart you'd be able to see it's been all torn apart. And every time I cry its like a piece of me that has died, but I've gotten to the point where I can't cry anymore and thats a sign I'm dead inside. My eyes are stained with crimson tears a drop for all my deepest fears. An empty heart with pain flowing so deep I can barely concentrate. So many things are going through my head, unanswered questions, thoughts and suicides like you wouldn't believe for a second. Do you think that you could fathom? Do you think that you'd be able to understand why its so hard and why no one understands me. This isn't a two plus two problem anymore its like a calculus problem times two million to the depths of forever and back and somewhere in between finding a piece of mind...
It seems like nothing in the world needs me to complete them because they can find someone far better than I could ever be.
You're never ready for something until that day or time has passed. Afterwards you can think about what could have been and what you should have done.
I guess that'll be all for now, I'm sure there will be some more later but its time for sleep and my mind has wondered too far already. Goodnight.
<33
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