Today is proof that if I died today no one would even care. No one would remember me, or be worried about it. It would affect no one. I have been hurt lately like you wouldn't believe. A bullet through my head would feel a lot better than what I am feeling right now. I don't even think I could begin to you how I feel. Today was such a terrible day. I can't even believe it. I feel like I was missing something...I don't know what to think. All i know is that I really don't want to go on...
ugh I can't think right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. You won't even notice...
Friday, November 28, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
this is all i need
Today has been quite the day. Wake in tears end the day in tears. I've put myself through more than I should and I don't even care. There are only about 3-4 songs in the entire world to make me cry on key and I've heard three of them today makes me want to listen to the other one on purpose just so I can get it all out. Its like I've been feeling and knowing that I was going to have this breakdown sooner or later it was just a matter of holding it in until I was ready to let it out, although that would be never but it begged to differ.
I don't know what else to write for once, my mind is blank and I'm not sure what to do or what to think...
♥
I don't know what else to write for once, my mind is blank and I'm not sure what to do or what to think...
♥
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Dont worry about it
I am getting so sick of everyone around, no one seems to care I'm just so far gone and nothings going to change.
If you say you're going to do something then do it! there is no excuse! None at all, I am so sick of the lying the disappointments and most of all the stupid shit excuses. Excuse me...if you say you're going to do something then don't do you think I want to hear an excuse? no an I'm sorry would be just fine, although it won't justify but still ya know...and after more than three times you say you're going to do something and don't then I start losing faith, a lot of it and trust along with it. I get hopes up, you should be one of the last fucking people to break that lose but look at whats already happening. There is no excuse why you should be 2 1/2 hours late to make a simple phone call, seriously...you can't call me on the way home? like you said! I'm sorry is that too much to fucking ask you've been too busy for me at all this week you tell me that you'll call after class at 930 and oh look its practically midnight and I'm still waiting! Its fucking ridiculous. There is no excuse for it, at all...have I not warned everyone? because I swear I did...if you screw up with me or piss me off you can't go back I will make you feel like shit and make you want to be six feet under. I apparently don't make myself clear when I say don't mess with me because I promise you the outcome will not be pretty. I don't mess around when it comes to shit like that, if you "care" you wouldn't have to have an excuse every single fucking day and frankly I am quite sick of hearing all of them and its pretty funny that I can already know what excuse you're going to come up with and its never severe enough where you can't call and take two minutes to tell me that...sorry I thought I would be worth more than that to you. No wonder I am so down on myself, no one can prove anything to me you can tell me all you fucking want but if I am so fucking great then why is a different day same excuse? or ya know you can't even come through for me! I just don't know what to do at this point, I'm losing all faith and hope granted its been a hard fucking week when you can't make time for me and then plan your weekend without me too? what the fuck? And you know what its not so much paranoia anymore its more of I already know whats going to happen I already know! but my paranoia is a way thats like already warning me or something of disappointment to come. How can you be so full of yourself when everyone around you right and left is hurting you weather they "mean" it or not. It happens, doesn't it? I mean if you can already predict what I am going to say or how I'm feeling is it worth going through? You ask if you disappointed me am I really going to say that to you? no, but do I want too? very much so...cause you did and you do more than you realize. I always ask did you forget about me, again and key word is again because it seems to happen a lot but you claim and stick with the answer "no i did not forget about you" bullshit. If I could ever hold it in long enough and not let my anger out and text you I bet you wouldn't even fucking call! but I'm nice enough where I am not going to bug you during the day if you're so "busy" oh and how about when you get a break or something you'll text me....yea I don't hold my breath for that one at all!! I never expect it, I hope...I'll admit it I hope that you will actually surprise me but deep down I just fucking know and thats what hurts. It hurts knowing that the person telling you that you're so down on yourself and its hard for them is letting you down and making you at this point be down on yourself because you can't seem to find any other way at the moment. Where else am I supposed to look too? I just don't get it...you seem to have an excuse for everything! and its just already gotten old and I'm not sure that I can go too much longer like this unless something is done about it. You stress me out already and I do not need that right now. I'm just sick of it all! You claim in the beginning that you make time for people, so when are you going to make time for me? Yeah, thats what I thought...you're too busy for me but not for school then work then oh hang out with the boys, which is fine whatever I'm not going to tell you you can't hang out with them but when it means neglecting me thats just totally different. You'd think that on a two min break you could text me or call and say hi, or at least do what you say you're going too but already I'm losing faith in this so called relationship that I thought I was ready for but I don't think so because I can't have someone else again not have time for me, its ridiculous. Just more and more everyday. Oh and you also have time to get online for a min. too but you don't "forget about me" I think you clearly do. If I can't rely on you now what makes it seem like I ever will be able too? You're already starting to make me wonder...I see you found people on "are you interested" thats real nice for me to see...thats what you get online for?...what are you already shopping for someone else. I told you not to waste your time on me but you insisted so now what? prove to me that I mean something...cause right now I feel like nothing and it hurts. My frustration is building and I bottle it up all inside until something breaks me but who knows what or when that will happen but I predict it to be sooner than planned until then I don't know what to do, I don't even want to answer when you call but I do anyway, why? because at least I missed you but your lies are eating at me. I'm just so ugh right now! The only thing that keeps my mind of it is sleeping until I wake up and see what time it is and cry myself back to sleep...I hate this.
♥
If you say you're going to do something then do it! there is no excuse! None at all, I am so sick of the lying the disappointments and most of all the stupid shit excuses. Excuse me...if you say you're going to do something then don't do you think I want to hear an excuse? no an I'm sorry would be just fine, although it won't justify but still ya know...and after more than three times you say you're going to do something and don't then I start losing faith, a lot of it and trust along with it. I get hopes up, you should be one of the last fucking people to break that lose but look at whats already happening. There is no excuse why you should be 2 1/2 hours late to make a simple phone call, seriously...you can't call me on the way home? like you said! I'm sorry is that too much to fucking ask you've been too busy for me at all this week you tell me that you'll call after class at 930 and oh look its practically midnight and I'm still waiting! Its fucking ridiculous. There is no excuse for it, at all...have I not warned everyone? because I swear I did...if you screw up with me or piss me off you can't go back I will make you feel like shit and make you want to be six feet under. I apparently don't make myself clear when I say don't mess with me because I promise you the outcome will not be pretty. I don't mess around when it comes to shit like that, if you "care" you wouldn't have to have an excuse every single fucking day and frankly I am quite sick of hearing all of them and its pretty funny that I can already know what excuse you're going to come up with and its never severe enough where you can't call and take two minutes to tell me that...sorry I thought I would be worth more than that to you. No wonder I am so down on myself, no one can prove anything to me you can tell me all you fucking want but if I am so fucking great then why is a different day same excuse? or ya know you can't even come through for me! I just don't know what to do at this point, I'm losing all faith and hope granted its been a hard fucking week when you can't make time for me and then plan your weekend without me too? what the fuck? And you know what its not so much paranoia anymore its more of I already know whats going to happen I already know! but my paranoia is a way thats like already warning me or something of disappointment to come. How can you be so full of yourself when everyone around you right and left is hurting you weather they "mean" it or not. It happens, doesn't it? I mean if you can already predict what I am going to say or how I'm feeling is it worth going through? You ask if you disappointed me am I really going to say that to you? no, but do I want too? very much so...cause you did and you do more than you realize. I always ask did you forget about me, again and key word is again because it seems to happen a lot but you claim and stick with the answer "no i did not forget about you" bullshit. If I could ever hold it in long enough and not let my anger out and text you I bet you wouldn't even fucking call! but I'm nice enough where I am not going to bug you during the day if you're so "busy" oh and how about when you get a break or something you'll text me....yea I don't hold my breath for that one at all!! I never expect it, I hope...I'll admit it I hope that you will actually surprise me but deep down I just fucking know and thats what hurts. It hurts knowing that the person telling you that you're so down on yourself and its hard for them is letting you down and making you at this point be down on yourself because you can't seem to find any other way at the moment. Where else am I supposed to look too? I just don't get it...you seem to have an excuse for everything! and its just already gotten old and I'm not sure that I can go too much longer like this unless something is done about it. You stress me out already and I do not need that right now. I'm just sick of it all! You claim in the beginning that you make time for people, so when are you going to make time for me? Yeah, thats what I thought...you're too busy for me but not for school then work then oh hang out with the boys, which is fine whatever I'm not going to tell you you can't hang out with them but when it means neglecting me thats just totally different. You'd think that on a two min break you could text me or call and say hi, or at least do what you say you're going too but already I'm losing faith in this so called relationship that I thought I was ready for but I don't think so because I can't have someone else again not have time for me, its ridiculous. Just more and more everyday. Oh and you also have time to get online for a min. too but you don't "forget about me" I think you clearly do. If I can't rely on you now what makes it seem like I ever will be able too? You're already starting to make me wonder...I see you found people on "are you interested" thats real nice for me to see...thats what you get online for?...what are you already shopping for someone else. I told you not to waste your time on me but you insisted so now what? prove to me that I mean something...cause right now I feel like nothing and it hurts. My frustration is building and I bottle it up all inside until something breaks me but who knows what or when that will happen but I predict it to be sooner than planned until then I don't know what to do, I don't even want to answer when you call but I do anyway, why? because at least I missed you but your lies are eating at me. I'm just so ugh right now! The only thing that keeps my mind of it is sleeping until I wake up and see what time it is and cry myself back to sleep...I hate this.
♥
Monday, November 10, 2008
the longest four years of our lives.
"I'd rather die than give you control" that is to you straight up...you're not my president and you never will be...
I had to write that down before I forgot.
♥
p.s. is it 2012 yet?
I had to write that down before I forgot.
♥
p.s. is it 2012 yet?
Saturday, November 08, 2008
R.i.P. USA
I've had a lot of time to think lately and you know the more I think the more disappointed I get. It goes from my head hanging to being cradled in my arms. Its like where and what happened and how did we let everything get like this? Now, say what you want to say but you'll be sorry when you're swimming in poverty, when you can't pay for anything what so ever, when everything is literally falling apart around you, you have nothing to rely on, when Iraq is doing a hell of a lot better than you, when you're just suffering and guess what? thats your fault because you wanted "change" so there have a nice life with you and your fucking change and rest in peace the united states of fucking America. I honestly don't know what to do its all a big load of fucking bullshit and for what to have a black president? fuck that....the white house is no longer white now its been shit on and so is the rest of this nation and its just going to be terrible. I don't want to be here when it happens when its 2009 I want to be the furthest away I can get saying I told you so. Proof reason 23939 there is no God because he wouldn't allow this...hell would be better than this fucking country when January rolls around. Now, I've avoided talking to anyone about this because you're all just fucking brainwashed and I don't want to hear your nonsense so I keep this all to myself which kind of just makes it worse, I'm already stressed out as it is and now all of this I have to worry about the screwed up country I am going to be living in now which is ridiculous.
Anyway, enough about all of that load of shit. I don't even know what else to say. I'm too tired to think....so maybe that means I'll just go to bed. I have to get up at like 830 ugh...goodnight.
When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead
When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead
Anyway, enough about all of that load of shit. I don't even know what else to say. I'm too tired to think....so maybe that means I'll just go to bed. I have to get up at like 830 ugh...goodnight.
When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead
When you're lying in your sleep, when you're lying in your bed
And you wake from your dreams to go dancing with the dead
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Feeling as though you never belong
So, I've decided its time for a change, and now that I've started to change I've decided it needs to be more of a drastic one than a no one will really notice, change, you know? I mean if you're going to change why not change everything about yourself. Now for the crazy people who don't think I need to change, might need to come to the psych ward with me but for everyone else I'm sure you can see that I need to change a lot. I've decided to stop making an effort, if you're going to lie to me then thats your problem because you will lose me very quickly no matter who you are! Why lie about something stupid anyway, if I ask you to go somewhere and you don't want to go why is it so hard to just say no thanks or I don't feel like it, I don't have any money or just plain no. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, if it does I'll get over it a lot faster than lying and me finding out its just rude but whatever, enough about that. You'll be the one thats sorry because I don't take shit from people. I mean I have in the past I know, but we all make mistakes right? Well thats one of the new things, I don't care who you are I'll let you know its bothering me and weather you decide to listen or not is your prerogative.
I don't know what else to write, but lyrics keep enthralling me and I love them they have so much meaning. For some reason I've lost everything I was going to say, I had it right there then I waited too long and now I have no idea what I was going to say, dammit. I keep listening to the same songs over and over though and not just because I really like them but, because the words really mean something their not just there to say it but to have some meaning. I don't know how to explain it but its not just how someone sings it but its how you can relate to it. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without them...weird I know but everyone has such a different view on things going on around us so its interesting to see how they explain and see it. I don't know. I'm done though this was kind of dumb post but you'll get over it. Later.
♥
I don't know what else to write, but lyrics keep enthralling me and I love them they have so much meaning. For some reason I've lost everything I was going to say, I had it right there then I waited too long and now I have no idea what I was going to say, dammit. I keep listening to the same songs over and over though and not just because I really like them but, because the words really mean something their not just there to say it but to have some meaning. I don't know how to explain it but its not just how someone sings it but its how you can relate to it. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without them...weird I know but everyone has such a different view on things going on around us so its interesting to see how they explain and see it. I don't know. I'm done though this was kind of dumb post but you'll get over it. Later.
♥
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