The echos that remain.

I feel really alone yes, I feel. I have feelings but you wouldn't know because i rarely show them. No need to show something thats going to be shut down when I can keep it to myself to shut down, right? I don't tell people things because you don't care anyway so why waste time when you're just going to be fake back? yea...
My heart aches, my body suffers, and my mind erupts of things that you couldn't grasp with just one hand or an open mind. I don't think you could ever grasp it if you tried. I don't know where all of this comes from but, my insides feel like their disintegrating and soon enough you'll have to bury them along with me. I feel like someone sedated me and took my insides, my heart first leaving only but a drop of blood to keep me breathing for a while and emptied my head of color and left only chaos in black and white. Its getting harder to breathe though, my body is weakening and I am slowly falling apart more and more. I just sit here in the darkness with nothing but the sound of the clocks ticking and my fingers trying to type as fast as I can get the words out. Its getting harder and harder to take a deep breath and as tired as I am and as I get I just can't seem to sleep at night. You would think I would lay down and fall asleep but yet my mind just lays there hopeless trying to run through things over and over but it can't come to a conclusion, making my head unbearable to cope with making me frustrated with everything that I can not handle. The only way I find myself falling asleep is drowning in my tears every night. I wake up in a pool of sorrow on my pillow to find that it finally exhausted me to relax and fall asleep...it gets old after a while. I sit here and I can barely keep my eyes open and I lay down and its like theres a million and two voices in my head, a movie, and a murder scene at the same time.
Well, I guess I'll go start what I need to finish for another time. Goodnight.
♥

Too much pain.

I don't know where to begin, but lately everything is getting to me. My family has got to be one of my biggest problems they don't understand and never will no matter how hard they try they won't just like no matter what i do or how hard i do try nothing will ever be good enough for them. Its always, oh you have such a bad attitude, your rude, your spoiled blah blah blah you need to get a job you need to go to school, you need to get your act together, your stupid, you live and learn, you don't apply yourself, you don't try, your lazy...blah blah blah. yea i hear that from my wonderful family non-stop. I am so sick of, it gets SO old. I know to live and learn, what do you think I'm doing? I've learned a lot, actually. I've learned to just keep my mouth shut, no ones going to listen anyway and no one really gives a shit, either. You can act all you want but I'd rather just sit in the corner by myself. I've learned that its better to just keep things to myself because others don't want to hear about it and their not going to understand it even if it was as simple as two plus two, oh if only.
You'll never understand how I feel, you'll never understand how I think or why I think this way, you'll never catch a glimpse of me looking in your eyes, I fear far too much to be able to let myself trust anyone.
whatever i don't know what else to write, and will finish this later? goodnight.

two plus two equals seven

So, I've found something else to give up on. Whats next, breathing? Do I need to give up on that too? I'm sick of being alone on everything. No one backs me up, supports me or is ever there for me. Its like nothing out there is for me...the things that make me happy everyone I know hates. Its funny how one person can make me so vulnerable to being hurt. I'll never get to do what I want to do or do what makes me happy because it makes too many people unhappy and then I have to hear about it, so why have to hear about it when I should just do what will make them happy, I don't matter anyway...I learned that a long time ago. I don't know why I keep hoping I will...I don't know. I just don't know anymore...

Has the world ended, yet?

Its like you've lost it all. You don't care about anyone but yourself when you beg to differ when you think you do everything for everyone. Granted you do a lot for the family, you do stuff for me but most of the time its all about you not only do you have to ruin your own life but look what you're doing to me, the person you supposedly care about the most, your family! you're ruining it all, wonder why i have an attitude, wonder why I'm such a stupid inconsiderate nasty rude inconvenience piece of shit? you made me that way! I take after you...I have a horrible temper, just like you. You think I'm not organized, oh you wouldn't even know because you can't look past yourself because nothing comes up to your standards, ever. Nothing is how you like it done, or what you want done..you don't want us, you don't want to take care of me, you don't care! do you see a pattern?? its all about you. If you want it like that so badly then why are you so mad at your family, everyone who cares about you? they should have let you go to jail then you could have been all by your fucking self too see what you're really losing out on. But no, your stupid stubborn ass has to turn it around on everyone else, its all everyone else's fault cause you deserve all this bullshit, so do I deserve your consequences? do I deserve to have to deal with the choices you've made, to fuck my life up and put me in the hole? I wouldn't actually think so, but you obviously just don't care anymore, its all about you. you deserve this and that and we apparently deserve the shit you put us through and to deal your faults. because of what you did, I'm paying for it...and why? because you fucked up your life which fucks up mine. if you don't want us so bad...then why didn't you get rid of us a long time ago if we're the root of all of your damn problems? why won't you let me get out do whatever I want, I'm twenty years old not twelve you can't tell me to be home by 12 or whatever time you feel like...I''m responsible and I take my own credit for my actions. I don't do stupid stuff, like you. I don't like to drink at all, I don't deal with people like that and I have an incredible boyfriend that makes me VERY happy that for some reason you won't let me go see...why? I don't get that for the life of me I can take care of myself I don't even need you so lets make an agreement you don't need me, I don't need you. and we'll be great. I don't really even know what to say to you, I'm sick of all this bullshit its always all MY fault, when I wasn't even there! I'm the reason for your shenanigans and all your lies and shit. If I'm such a bad person, then let me go where I'm happy, if you really "care" about me soooo much. Its not like I go out every night to party its not like I wouldn't compromise, its not like i stay there all day with him I go to spend a few hours that he has off with him...and thats all I do. thats the highlight of my week, the day and thats all I ask for is to see the person that helps me escape from everything you put me through that makes me complete that i love more than you know. You wouldn't understand...but if you could ever talk to me without getting pissed off you'd know a lot more about me than you do, cause you just assume things that are wrong and don't give me any credit for what i do cause in your eyes I don't do shit. Well the day is coming when you'll realize what you've done to me and how I've learned not to take shit from people and especially not you, you say I have a bad attitude, well I wonder why. how can I come and ask you something when you walk in the door yelling cause what you needed help, am I supposed to be standing by the door everyday waiting for you to get home at 3?....why didn't you call ahead of time and ask or come to the door first and say come help me? huh? exactly so you could have something else to bitch about. Thats all you do is bitch and thats why I've become such a bitch and I just confide myself to my room so I don't have to deal with you! I could go on and on and on about all the shit you've put me through and since I'm not on your "side" ever then you should have no problem understanding, but I'm done for now I need out of here and living with you I can't do it anymore I can't have any privacy and you wonder why I get SO mad. I'm going to the gd bathroom or taking a shower, do you think I could get some peace, no lets crowd me and come in the bathroom too, its SO irritating! I can't stand that. Ugh you infuriate me and it makes me laugh when you wonder why, think about what you're doing...but you don't ever think before you do something you only think of yourself and then you get us in the predicament and screw us over along with yourself. I'm trying so hard to get out on my own but for some reason your not understanding that. I can't live with you forever, you stress me out horribly, its your fault I'm always in a bad mood, you always seem to ruin it and apparently I do the same to you, so we're even you ruin my life...I guess I ruined yours the day I was born then?

Too much to handle and then everyone walks out on me. I'm glad I keep it all to myself. Goodnight.