You can pull the trigger, now...

Where do I begin? Is there a beginning? Is there an end? or am I just the end? This has happened so many times and everyday I wake up and I'm scared, I'm scared everyday of my life I am going to lose you...well here we go day, I lost you again. I don't know what to do, I don't even know how to feel the only thing I can barely feel are the cold tear drops running down my face each and every time this happens. All the time I think its not going to happen again its too perfect, but that's exactly it, it's all too perfect for me misery doesn't like happiness much less perfection. Their enemies they go hand in hand on the front line to see what can defeat me first. What if I defeat myself before one of those gets to me? Then what...whats misery going to do without someone to torture everyday?

These tears won't stop falling they won't stop sliding upon my cheek and dying upon my lips. Who would have known death could taste so sweet, be so cold and be so exhausting. It makes me shake, makes me sick to my stomach. Good days do NOT exist without you they just do not. Whats the point in living without you? Its like a pencil, broken and completely pointless...there's no need for a pencil if it has no lead. No use at all, like me without you I am nothing...I'm not needed for anything or wanted. I don't get it I don't get what I do every single time that I'm not worth a damn thing other than I could have told you that a long time ago.

You might as well stand me on the edge of a cliff with my hands gripping my face tight over my blood shut eyes with streams of hurt and sadness, the most you could imagine, running down my face dropping into the waters underneath of me...anxiously awaiting the drop of relief. Shaking so bad I could fall off on my own, my knees won't stop trembling just let it happen, just do it already! The more I stand there the more I can't stand myself and the more the days and the words just repeat themselves in my head over and over like a film that skips on the sad parts but pauses on the scary ones. Dying would only be sufficient enough for now. Just let it happen, my body can't take this torture anymore it no longer needs wants or craves anything but you! That's where I let it go wrong because now I am without you and I have nothing to live for. Take your hands lightly upon my shoulders and just give me a little push enough where I know its happening but not enough where I can save myself. The longer I stand there the more I waste away the more I can't stand the sight of myself or the thought that I'm the biggest fuck up you'll ever meet. When I fall that's when I'll be the happiest at the times I was with you and as I fall that's all I'll be able to think about on the slow fall down is every second I had with you and every second I loved you no less than ever minute of everyday I took a breath. Every time I kissed you I felt like I was in heaven but where am I going now I was already living in Hell...nothing can be worse than this.

I can't stop myself from throwing up all the pain inside me I feel like if I get one gasp of air I'll realize what happened and I don't want that but my body's too weak for this to keep going on...I'm so sick I can't stand it. I'd rather be stabbed a million times and thrown off a cliff then feel what I'm feeling right now. I am beyond miserable I can't stand myself. I fucking hate you! I ruin everything good that ever happens to me! Why do I always fuck everything up? Why!! I have the best thing you could ever ask for the hardest thing I could believe in and look what happned...I fucked it up, again. I never want to wake up you'll never be there when I do and I hate, despise everyday that comes along like that. I have nothing to look forward too, I have nothing to wake up for, no one, nothing wants me but misery. It's got me sucked in this black hole but why won't it just eat me alive and end the suffering haven't i gone through enough?? I can not do this! I never want to see the light of day again I don't want to breathe I don't want to move from the corner of this cold dark basement until the day you find me there with tears frozen all along my face and my heart in blender all ready for you...your picture clinched between my frozen fingers and hurt trembling throughout my entire body. You have no idea, not the slightest clue what you meant to me did you!? no, because you only cared about yourself and you hurt me worse than I could ever imagine. I can't see clear anymore as the blood overtakes my sight and tries to drown my cold lifeless body...why not just let it anymore might as well who cares, if you don't then I don't and you're all that matters to me so heres to everything that I have given you, my all...every part of me! my heart and mostly my life, I died for love, you could have saved me if you wanted too but apparently you don't. I would wait forever if you would just ask me. I had a knife to take away my eyes, and I tried to take away the pain but theres no where else for it to run. The last time is right now your choice will take or make everything your face will soon fade out. I felt the wake of these torrid days ushered through my stupid fucking mistakes. I'm on my knees begging you, please don't do this to me! This scar will remain here before I spill whats left of my blood that hasn't already gone to mark where I've been from your hands to mine, from your heart to mine. This time you will be afraid this is the last time you will ever hear from me. Just tear the fucking veins out of my heart I've build these walls but I know you won't come for me, I've built these walls to see whos willing to break them down to get to me, but the only person I want to see do that is you, but I have a great feeling your face is the only one I won't see. It scares me out of my mind to think that you could find takers other than me, better than me...when will you see its not so easy for me! You're careless and whispered, insulting, and bruising. You fall from my eyes, your eyes I trusted, you said forever. Is this really happening? I never thought you could say those words to me...and I never thought I could do this but I have nothing anymore I don't want to try anymore it doesn't get me anywhere. How could you take all these days and just throw them away! The other day was so unbelivable I thought everything was great, you said I love you, forever and so did I but apparently am the only one who meant it. I sit here waiting for...forever. Dead words for closed ears all this is for you I stay up all night knowing what my dreams can take, I don't want to dream it only turns in the nightmare that I'm so luckily to be living in. Inside I am so overwhelmed from holding everything back. I'm wasted, paralyzed nows the time to cut the cord cross my heart and hope to dear God I just fucking die! I wanted to mean everything to you but you keep coming back disassembled and I keep losing this fight...but why do I keep fighting if I just keep losing? I believed, I love you...I love you enough to keep fighting and give you my all because I want nothing but you. This need is killing me and taking me over its gone too far once again you get mad, you're upset and it goes all out on me because I'm always right there so who else better to beat up for your hurt but me? Once again the tables are turned and I'm always on the wrong end. My face is scarred sometimes I feel like I can't even trust myself at all. I cannot take it anymore I'm falling faster and bleeing even more as the long minutes turn into miserable seconds that pass me by so, please tell me what am I supposed to do? I don't think theres anything I can do. Don't leave me, please, I beg of you why would you walk away with my all? I can honestly say now that I have given someone my all and they definitely more than walked away but ran with it...I'll never sleep again because I fear of dreaming. Your last words will sustain me. I still love you I swear I always will...

I am the definition of stupid.

Really if you were to look in the dictionary next to the word stupid, you find my name in big bold letters. Stupid doesn't even begin to cover it though.

I can't do this I can' t keep putting myself through this over and over again thinking one of these times its going to be worth it. I know misery loves me! So, why try when its always going to find its way back to me. It always, without a doubt, comes back with more than what it tried to defeat me with the time before. Every time it comes back I get a little weaker and one of these days I won't be strong enough to go on anymore at all. I'm surprised I've made it this far but I feel a road block at full force come in contact with my body that gives me the feeling that I won't be able to break this one down alone but I won't trust anyone to help me I won't let anyone. I've never hated myself so much then for every time I lose you. I'll never get those feelings back their yours forever. I can feel the pieces of my heart bury itself in the pits of darkness and the pain overpowering itself to try to keep me alive but I'm not quite sure I want it to keep fighting. With every breath I take I can feel it pierce into every part in my stomach and the quick sharpness travel through my body like a shock, a shock that would hurt like being electrocuted but to me just a place of finalization and something to numb not even half the pain.

How does it feel to have my heart in your hands and when you did what you did to me...the pieces shattering everywhere leaving splinters in every crack in your palms some going right through the skin. If only that was just a glimpse of how I feel but that would probably feel a lot better than whats really happening. I hope you like the piercing sound of my cry as I suffer so much and gasp so hard for another breath it chokes me to the point of vomiting. These scars are the biggest yet, I can't find anything to release the pain like a knife does its smooth and straight to the point...the blood pours out ever so lightly runs down my arm like a tear drop on my face but their in a race to see who makes it to the end first. Who will make it? A never ending tear inside a broken heart or a trail of feelings spread across my wrist hoping to find relief? I wish this would be the end, I want this to be the end of me. I want to fall asleep to never wake up again because I know your smile won't be there when I do awake and that's all I want. Somehow I can sit here so still probably because I just can't cry anymore I guess I get to spend another month plus crying myself to misery and back every night and not sleeping or eating. Its going to eat me alive one of these days and I hope its sooner than later.
♥

These tears will fall forever in a broken heart.

I'm standing on this line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take. I am tired of being second best to somebody else. I wish I could hear your voice I wish I could touch you once more. I've got a feeling that this will never cease living in these pictures it never comes with ease. I swear if I could make this right, you'd be back by now. Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars...

Your kiss was the perfect drug it gave me the perfect high. I need to feel you again I need your lips on my skin. The self deprecation of what I put my faith in has brought me to my knees. What if the gun is empty? The questions never answered I don't think I'll ever find the answer waiting for the truth, could become my cancer. Everything you said all the promises that you've made are all shattered on the ground. I've unlearned about who I am inside, now I'm standing on the edge of breaking new ground. There's so much in my head before I hit the round. As I wave goodbye to everyone I thought I once knew. Wave goodbye to the things that were keeping me alive before I choke I hope you'll remember me as something more than a failure something more than a lock without its key. I know I'm not much at all but you were a lot to me more than you'll ever know. The pain and insanity that everyone thinks it takes to drag a blade between the veins, is nothing compared to whats within, when somebody decides to throw me away. I don't know what I want in life, I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that its eating me, and one day there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to run down my face I run away and hide from...but now everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me and I don't know what to do. I just know the pain I've felt so long is hurting ten times worse than before. I'm afraid to let myself be happy, because every time I'm happy something bad always happens.

I don't feel very much like myself anymore if I even knew who I was in the first place I have definitely lost its place now. You know the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me? I think words are just as powerful if not more powerful than being physically hurt. They can hurt as much or more as anything else can because words stick, they can last forever. I don't forget things like that I don't forget words that you spoke to me whether they be good or bad. The ones that hurt the most are the ones you say out of anger the ones you don't really clearly think about before you say then after wards you can't take back. The little words that you don't really mean to say or maybe you do but they come out the wrong way, the ones that stick the most that repeat in your head constantly. I feel like I'm crazy because all day long I hear your voice I hear those words repeating themselves in my head I still feel that day I feel my heart sink and my world slip through my hands I feel anger and I just feel. The words that cut like a knife, the day you walked out of my life leaving me breathless leaving me in shock and more pain that I can handle. Missing you isn't the hard part knowing I once had you is what breaks my heart.

And a part from one of my favorite books.
"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning"
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.

I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type

Maybe its just me. That wouldn't be hard to believe. The days aren't easy anymore. I should have known this wasn't real. You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe. I know I've got to get away for "the world is not yours for the taking". It seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth how did I get here, what did I do? Your eyes tell me lies but they make me find myself. Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain and no matter where I go its always pouring all the same and I was crying alone tonight and I was wasting all of my time thinking about you. Makes me wish I was never brought into this place. And its days like these when all you can do is write and try to get it all out, but it never seems to work as much as used too.
I'll add more later.
♥

dance of life

"Let me tell you a story to chill the bones out a thing that I saw...; not aware of a presence so near to me watching my every move..."


Last night was the best night of my life. One that I never would have thought to ever happen. It's like literally living in your dream, except for you feel it all a lot more and its not like wishing for it or wishing on some birthday candles its like wishing on falling star and next thing you know its reality. Its so unbelievable, still. Imagine someone that has a smile that you feel could save the world, a hug that puts you in a coma, a hug that's like one in a movie or a love story where you cannot see anything else around you and like you're deaf you cant hear all the chaos and noise going on around, being in that persons presence makes you feel like the only one around that you really matter and even if its only for a minute you feel like you've been in their arms for an hour, a feeling that I've never felt before and then afterwards you break because it was like you were holding your breath for the time trying to figure out when you were going to wake up and then he says your name and you gasp for I never thought my name would come out of his mouth. Those eyes, that smile, his arms...I was in them. Its so surreal and I still don't know how to believe it. It really was a dream come true, and I am never the lucky kind. He would be Alex Skolnick.

I don't know if they all realize how much of an impact they put on some peoples lives but definitely mine he has made a huge impact on. I look up to him, hes my idol, hes my...God. I believe in him, worship the ground he walks on, he is amazing and amazing is and understatement. He is just as wonderful in person as he seems to be, hes smart, which nothing is more attractive than intelligence. He's very musically talented, obviously being in three bands. He writes incredibly. Hes the kind of man that you make up in your mind for being the perfect and dream man the one that really doesn't exist, but this one does, he does and hes my dream man and I got to see him face to face, he touched me, he knows my name. That doesn't just happen, it does but in dreams and I just had a dream come true and that means more than the world to me.

"Turn Around
Turn Around and fix your eye in my direction
So there is a connection
I can't speak
I can't make a sound to somehow capture your attention
I'm staring at perfection
take a look at me so you can see
how beautiful you are

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

I'm confident
but I can't pretend I wasn't terrified to meet you
I knew you could see right through me
I saw my life flash right before my very eyes
and I knew just what we'd turn into
I was hoping that you could see
take a look at me so you can see

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

take a look at me so you can see
how beautiful you are
x4

your beauty seems so far away
I'd have to write a thousand songs to make you comprehend how beautiful you are

i know that I can't make you stay
but I would give my final breathe to make you understand how beautiful you are
understand how beautiful you are

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
you call me a stranger"

This song describes it perfectly! Stranger by Secondhand Serenade♥

♥

Worse than you could imagine.

Today is proof that if I died today no one would even care. No one would remember me, or be worried about it. It would affect no one. I have been hurt lately like you wouldn't believe. A bullet through my head would feel a lot better than what I am feeling right now. I don't even think I could begin to you how I feel. Today was such a terrible day. I can't even believe it. I feel like I was missing something...I don't know what to think. All i know is that I really don't want to go on...
ugh I can't think right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. You won't even notice...

this is all i need

Today has been quite the day. Wake in tears end the day in tears. I've put myself through more than I should and I don't even care. There are only about 3-4 songs in the entire world to make me cry on key and I've heard three of them today makes me want to listen to the other one on purpose just so I can get it all out. Its like I've been feeling and knowing that I was going to have this breakdown sooner or later it was just a matter of holding it in until I was ready to let it out, although that would be never but it begged to differ.

I don't know what else to write for once, my mind is blank and I'm not sure what to do or what to think...
♥