Where do I begin? Is there a beginning? Is there an end? or am I just the end? This has happened so many times and everyday I wake up and I'm scared, I'm scared everyday of my life I am going to lose you...well here we go day, I lost you again. I don't know what to do, I don't even know how to feel the only thing I can barely feel are the cold tear drops running down my face each and every time this happens. All the time I think its not going to happen again its too perfect, but that's exactly it, it's all too perfect for me misery doesn't like happiness much less perfection. Their enemies they go hand in hand on the front line to see what can defeat me first. What if I defeat myself before one of those gets to me? Then what...whats misery going to do without someone to torture everyday?
These tears won't stop falling they won't stop sliding upon my cheek and dying upon my lips. Who would have known death could taste so sweet, be so cold and be so exhausting. It makes me shake, makes me sick to my stomach. Good days do NOT exist without you they just do not. Whats the point in living without you? Its like a pencil, broken and completely pointless...there's no need for a pencil if it has no lead. No use at all, like me without you I am nothing...I'm not needed for anything or wanted. I don't get it I don't get what I do every single time that I'm not worth a damn thing other than I could have told you that a long time ago.
You might as well stand me on the edge of a cliff with my hands gripping my face tight over my blood shut eyes with streams of hurt and sadness, the most you could imagine, running down my face dropping into the waters underneath of me...anxiously awaiting the drop of relief. Shaking so bad I could fall off on my own, my knees won't stop trembling just let it happen, just do it already! The more I stand there the more I can't stand myself and the more the days and the words just repeat themselves in my head over and over like a film that skips on the sad parts but pauses on the scary ones. Dying would only be sufficient enough for now. Just let it happen, my body can't take this torture anymore it no longer needs wants or craves anything but you! That's where I let it go wrong because now I am without you and I have nothing to live for. Take your hands lightly upon my shoulders and just give me a little push enough where I know its happening but not enough where I can save myself. The longer I stand there the more I waste away the more I can't stand the sight of myself or the thought that I'm the biggest fuck up you'll ever meet. When I fall that's when I'll be the happiest at the times I was with you and as I fall that's all I'll be able to think about on the slow fall down is every second I had with you and every second I loved you no less than ever minute of everyday I took a breath. Every time I kissed you I felt like I was in heaven but where am I going now I was already living in Hell...nothing can be worse than this.
I can't stop myself from throwing up all the pain inside me I feel like if I get one gasp of air I'll realize what happened and I don't want that but my body's too weak for this to keep going on...I'm so sick I can't stand it. I'd rather be stabbed a million times and thrown off a cliff then feel what I'm feeling right now. I am beyond miserable I can't stand myself. I fucking hate you! I ruin everything good that ever happens to me! Why do I always fuck everything up? Why!! I have the best thing you could ever ask for the hardest thing I could believe in and look what happned...I fucked it up, again. I never want to wake up you'll never be there when I do and I hate, despise everyday that comes along like that. I have nothing to look forward too, I have nothing to wake up for, no one, nothing wants me but misery. It's got me sucked in this black hole but why won't it just eat me alive and end the suffering haven't i gone through enough?? I can not do this! I never want to see the light of day again I don't want to breathe I don't want to move from the corner of this cold dark basement until the day you find me there with tears frozen all along my face and my heart in blender all ready for you...your picture clinched between my frozen fingers and hurt trembling throughout my entire body. You have no idea, not the slightest clue what you meant to me did you!? no, because you only cared about yourself and you hurt me worse than I could ever imagine. I can't see clear anymore as the blood overtakes my sight and tries to drown my cold lifeless body...why not just let it anymore might as well who cares, if you don't then I don't and you're all that matters to me so heres to everything that I have given you, my all...every part of me! my heart and mostly my life, I died for love, you could have saved me if you wanted too but apparently you don't. I would wait forever if you would just ask me. I had a knife to take away my eyes, and I tried to take away the pain but theres no where else for it to run. The last time is right now your choice will take or make everything your face will soon fade out. I felt the wake of these torrid days ushered through my stupid fucking mistakes. I'm on my knees begging you, please don't do this to me! This scar will remain here before I spill whats left of my blood that hasn't already gone to mark where I've been from your hands to mine, from your heart to mine. This time you will be afraid this is the last time you will ever hear from me. Just tear the fucking veins out of my heart I've build these walls but I know you won't come for me, I've built these walls to see whos willing to break them down to get to me, but the only person I want to see do that is you, but I have a great feeling your face is the only one I won't see. It scares me out of my mind to think that you could find takers other than me, better than me...when will you see its not so easy for me! You're careless and whispered, insulting, and bruising. You fall from my eyes, your eyes I trusted, you said forever. Is this really happening? I never thought you could say those words to me...and I never thought I could do this but I have nothing anymore I don't want to try anymore it doesn't get me anywhere. How could you take all these days and just throw them away! The other day was so unbelivable I thought everything was great, you said I love you, forever and so did I but apparently am the only one who meant it. I sit here waiting for...forever. Dead words for closed ears all this is for you I stay up all night knowing what my dreams can take, I don't want to dream it only turns in the nightmare that I'm so luckily to be living in. Inside I am so overwhelmed from holding everything back. I'm wasted, paralyzed nows the time to cut the cord cross my heart and hope to dear God I just fucking die! I wanted to mean everything to you but you keep coming back disassembled and I keep losing this fight...but why do I keep fighting if I just keep losing? I believed, I love you...I love you enough to keep fighting and give you my all because I want nothing but you. This need is killing me and taking me over its gone too far once again you get mad, you're upset and it goes all out on me because I'm always right there so who else better to beat up for your hurt but me? Once again the tables are turned and I'm always on the wrong end. My face is scarred sometimes I feel like I can't even trust myself at all. I cannot take it anymore I'm falling faster and bleeing even more as the long minutes turn into miserable seconds that pass me by so, please tell me what am I supposed to do? I don't think theres anything I can do. Don't leave me, please, I beg of you why would you walk away with my all? I can honestly say now that I have given someone my all and they definitely more than walked away but ran with it...I'll never sleep again because I fear of dreaming. Your last words will sustain me. I still love you I swear I always will...
