Really if you were to look in the dictionary next to the word stupid, you find my name in big bold letters. Stupid doesn't even begin to cover it though.
I can't do this I can' t keep putting myself through this over and over again thinking one of these times its going to be worth it. I know misery loves me! So, why try when its always going to find its way back to me. It always, without a doubt, comes back with more than what it tried to defeat me with the time before. Every time it comes back I get a little weaker and one of these days I won't be strong enough to go on anymore at all. I'm surprised I've made it this far but I feel a road block at full force come in contact with my body that gives me the feeling that I won't be able to break this one down alone but I won't trust anyone to help me I won't let anyone. I've never hated myself so much then for every time I lose you. I'll never get those feelings back their yours forever. I can feel the pieces of my heart bury itself in the pits of darkness and the pain overpowering itself to try to keep me alive but I'm not quite sure I want it to keep fighting. With every breath I take I can feel it pierce into every part in my stomach and the quick sharpness travel through my body like a shock, a shock that would hurt like being electrocuted but to me just a place of finalization and something to numb not even half the pain.
How does it feel to have my heart in your hands and when you did what you did to me...the pieces shattering everywhere leaving splinters in every crack in your palms some going right through the skin. If only that was just a glimpse of how I feel but that would probably feel a lot better than whats really happening. I hope you like the piercing sound of my cry as I suffer so much and gasp so hard for another breath it chokes me to the point of vomiting. These scars are the biggest yet, I can't find anything to release the pain like a knife does its smooth and straight to the point...the blood pours out ever so lightly runs down my arm like a tear drop on my face but their in a race to see who makes it to the end first. Who will make it? A never ending tear inside a broken heart or a trail of feelings spread across my wrist hoping to find relief? I wish this would be the end, I want this to be the end of me. I want to fall asleep to never wake up again because I know your smile won't be there when I do awake and that's all I want. Somehow I can sit here so still probably because I just can't cry anymore I guess I get to spend another month plus crying myself to misery and back every night and not sleeping or eating. Its going to eat me alive one of these days and I hope its sooner than later.
♥
