I'm standing on this line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take. I am tired of being second best to somebody else. I wish I could hear your voice I wish I could touch you once more. I've got a feeling that this will never cease living in these pictures it never comes with ease. I swear if I could make this right, you'd be back by now. Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars...
Your kiss was the perfect drug it gave me the perfect high. I need to feel you again I need your lips on my skin. The self deprecation of what I put my faith in has brought me to my knees. What if the gun is empty? The questions never answered I don't think I'll ever find the answer waiting for the truth, could become my cancer. Everything you said all the promises that you've made are all shattered on the ground. I've unlearned about who I am inside, now I'm standing on the edge of breaking new ground. There's so much in my head before I hit the round. As I wave goodbye to everyone I thought I once knew. Wave goodbye to the things that were keeping me alive before I choke I hope you'll remember me as something more than a failure something more than a lock without its key. I know I'm not much at all but you were a lot to me more than you'll ever know. The pain and insanity that everyone thinks it takes to drag a blade between the veins, is nothing compared to whats within, when somebody decides to throw me away. I don't know what I want in life, I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that its eating me, and one day there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to run down my face I run away and hide from...but now everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me and I don't know what to do. I just know the pain I've felt so long is hurting ten times worse than before. I'm afraid to let myself be happy, because every time I'm happy something bad always happens.
I don't feel very much like myself anymore if I even knew who I was in the first place I have definitely lost its place now. You know the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me? I think words are just as powerful if not more powerful than being physically hurt. They can hurt as much or more as anything else can because words stick, they can last forever. I don't forget things like that I don't forget words that you spoke to me whether they be good or bad. The ones that hurt the most are the ones you say out of anger the ones you don't really clearly think about before you say then after wards you can't take back. The little words that you don't really mean to say or maybe you do but they come out the wrong way, the ones that stick the most that repeat in your head constantly. I feel like I'm crazy because all day long I hear your voice I hear those words repeating themselves in my head I still feel that day I feel my heart sink and my world slip through my hands I feel anger and I just feel. The words that cut like a knife, the day you walked out of my life leaving me breathless leaving me in shock and more pain that I can handle. Missing you isn't the hard part knowing I once had you is what breaks my heart.
And a part from one of my favorite books.
"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning"
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.
